Running thoughts

Today I took a run. I was planning on going 4 miles, but I had only drank 2 cups of coffee and 8oz of water for the entire day (it was 4pm) and the heat was getting to me. I was tooooooooo thirsty so I called it off after 3.2 miles. While I often seek the quiet mind during a run, I don't always achieve it. Today is a prime example. My thoughts were on turbo-speed. I was having a hard time even getting into any of the music on my ipod and often a song would trigger all new thoughts. Here is a peak inside my mind.

<Here we go again>- OOooooh, I love this song! The video is even better. I wonder if I could dance on a treadmill. No, I can't even walk or run on one without holding on.
Oh shoot! Broken bottle on the ground. College kids drinking and playing beer pong. I wonder as I am running by if they see me as some weird old lady who is scoping them out? Do they even notice me? Probably, since I yelled, "F-ck!" while jumping on glass with my barefoot shoes. I wish I was running faster. That would be more impressive, if I was flying by these kids rather than running at a pace that makes me feel like I am doing a satirical play where I go in slow motion.

<Thrift Store> Maybe I can find the right pace. I did play this song 11 times on my last long run because it was just right. Yep, definitely a power song. maybe I should shop at Goodwill more. No, what if we got bedbugs or head lice. Head lice clean up SUCKS. I should probably check Edie again. Oh, shoot! I think I was supposed to give the dogs their flea treatment this last week. Ooooh, and heart guard.

Damn. This hill is hard. I am thirsty. I hope no one I know sees me right now. Is that Christina coming down the hill in the Subaru? Oh, it is! I wish I was running fast rather than walking up this hill and dying. I don't look very bad-ass while i am dying. Oh, good, she didn't see me.

<Dirrty>Ok, Erika, pull it together. Pretend you are running in that outfit Christina Aguilera wore in this video. She was tough. Get some swagger. Wait, she was wearing leather ass-less chaps. Those sound really HOT to run in. And probably should only be worn by women in their early 20s.... and sexy men in really good shape. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if my saggy mom butt was so saggy in back that it tucked right into the legs of the chaps? Yeah, Erika, NEVER wear chaps.

Speaking of butts.... I am concerned as to where the bloomers of this running skirt may have migrated to.  Is it worse to pick a wedgie while running or to pretend you don't notice it, but each breeze that blows the running skirt up shows to everyone that you have a massive wedgie? Is there a sly way to take care of this problem? Maybe I could squat down to "fix my shoe" and take care of it?

Running down this hill is fun. I wish all hills were only downhill. Maybe I should walk up it so I can run down again? Suck it up, baby, Mankato won't get any flatter before the marathon in October.

Why do I feel like I might die today? Can I pull it together tomorrow for a longer run?
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And on and on it went. 3.2 miles of constant brain chatter. Hopefully tomorrow will be a quieter brain since I am hoping for 8 miles. I don't know if I can handle my brain going on and on and on for 8 miles.

Trying to get back on track, nutritionally speaking.

I seem to have fallen WAY off track with eating well. It was easy to do. In the early days of having Fritz I was burning tons of calories nursing him and then this summer I was usually walking to do all my errands, so I would walk 4 miles a day plus get in regular workouts too. It is winter now and cold out so I am not walking anywhere. Fritz still nurses a lot, but it seems that my body has figured this out and isn't burning quite as many calories doing it. Plus, the past 2 weeks he has really suddenly taken a liking to eating solids. I have gone from 123 in November to now about 131. Yep, 8lbs in a pretty short amount of time. It probably also has to do with being off call and perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe. All 8lbs is in my gut, a nice little beer belly... my own version of the Freshmen 15. So, I decided to do a post for complete and total accountability with what I am eating. I LOVE reading other people's posts with their diet diary for the day. I guess I am obsessed with food in that way. Sometimes, through logging, I am able to see exactly where I am doing well and where I need work.

Breakfast:
I drank a ton of coffee. My first cup of coffee for the day my lovely husband made for me and it tasted REALLY good, so I am assuming there was probably 2 oz of half and half instead of 1 oz. So, 3oz of half and half for the day.

Then I made a breakfast sandwich with a Flatout flatbread, egg beaters, piece of American cheese (ok, it is "cheese food" not real cheese, but it is delicious), and Canadian bacon. I ate 80% of it and was stuffed. Must be all the fiber in the flatbread.

Lunch #1: (did I mention that I eat a bazillion times a day?)

I got these yummy mini peppers and little fancy cucumbers. I am pairing them with a bit of reduced fat ranch dressing (making my own with greek yogurt would be even better, nutritionally) and an oz of turkey.

Lunch #2:

A client gave me fresh bread and strawberry jam. I had no choice but to eat a slice :)

Afternoon snack:

Venti skinny mocha (thank you, awesome husband, for bringing me happiness)

Dinner:

I made a turkey and cheese sandwich and grabbed a few chips, but I ended up not being all that hungry and eating only 1/3 of the sandwich and about 4 potato chips. Edie finished the rest quite happily.

Evening snack #1:

Protein shake made with 1% milk, Max protein powder, and a few cherries

Evening snack #2:

Apple and laughing cow cheese.

Between all this eating I got in two of these bad boys with herbal tea:

So, my nutritional stats for the day are: 1323 calories, 41 grams of fat, 87 grams protein, 23 grams of fiber

Not too shabby. I am still trying to find the right balance for my body.


I also managed to get in a run and another workout today. I REALLY wanted to eat food from Patrick's. Like a patty melt, beer battered cheese nuggets, and beer. I can often mentally justify these things to myself by telling myself that it is just a little treat and in moderation, but I have been indulging FAR too often and it is time to rein it in. I just wish raw veggies tasted as good as fried junkfood. And don't tell me that they do, I will just call you a big fibber.

Sore toes

I haven't been running or really doing much of anything physical the last 2 weeks other than going snow shoeing 1 time. The reason for this is that my toes are far too sore in this cold weather!!! So, besides being all arthritic and old feeling at the ripe age of 32, I also have developed Raynaud's Phenomenon (or Disease or Disorder).

Last year when Fritz was born, it was in my nipples. Holy hell, breastfeeding hurt like crazy. It got better once the weather warmed up and I didn't notice it again until it got cold this winter. This winter I have the joy of having it in my toes. Better than the nipples, but still not very comfortable. Raynaud's is a vasoconstriction issue, so when my toes get cold the blood stops pumping to them. Since it is Minnesota and winter, my feet are cold All. The. Time.

When the blood resumes pumping to my toes, they become swollen. So, they hurt when the blood stops pumping and they hurt when the blood overcompensates. Because of this issues, my toes are actually becoming covered in blisters and the starts of blisters because it doesn't take much to damage tissue when that tissue isn't getting enough blood. My toes hurt if they touch one another. It hurts to wear shoes. Socks that are too tight and shove my toes together are excruciating, but not wearing socks and my feet getting all cold is not acceptable either.

Here is what they look like when the blood starts pumping to them again after a cold attack. You can see my toes are swollen and they are actually more red than what shows up in this photo. (My foot looks all weird because of the angle and the way I was picking it up)

So, there you have it. My reason number 127 that my husband should move with me to New Mexico. I cannot wait for spring!!!

Ok, that was my whine for the day. Now you know why I don't run outside and haven't been very active at all with the cold snap that came through last week.

Recipe and training plan

I have been craving chocolate like CRAZY. I try very hard to not eat sugar. Sugar is my kryptonite. If I eat a wee bit of sugar then suddenly I am eating cake for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, 1st lunch, 2nd lunch, afternoon snack, etc. If I stay away from it, I do much better. Now, me not eating sugar also means I do not do maple syrup, honey, agave, or any other sweetener that is still filled with calories. I do not do sugar alcohols either as they mess with my tummy in a very gross and stinky sort of way. I do, however, consume a lot of Splenda. More than I should. You have been forewarned that this recipe contains Splenda. If you want to make it and use something else to sweeten it, go for it! :)

I found a brownie recipe that seemed decently healthy! It uses Splenda, but it also uses primarily black beans and eggs. Here is where I found the original:
http://www.ohtastensee.com/2012/09/27/low-fat-sugar-free-black-bean-brownies/

I plugged their nutrition information in and there is NO way that is correct. Sorry. I was getting about 3x the number of calories when I plugged their ingredients in.


Now, here is how I adjusted it to fit my needs:
2 eggs
1/2 cup of egg whites or EggBeaters (to reduce from 4 eggs to 2)
1 TBSP of coconut oil
1 TBSP of unsweetened applesauce (this took place of 1/2 the oil)
1 can of black beans, rinsed (I also chose the lowest sodium I could find)
1 TBSP vanilla
3 TBSP cocoa powder
1/2 tsp of baking powder
sprinkle of sea salt
1 cup of Splenda

Then over the top I sprinkled PB2, which is a powdered peanut butter that ROCKS. It has WAY less fat/calories but a good peanut flavor.

I baked at 350 for 25 minutes.

When I did nutrition calculations on my above recipe using MyFitnessPal.com I got (for 1/16 of the recipe):
52 calories, 6 grams carbs, 2 grams fiber, 2 grams fat, 4 grams protein

Not too shabby! Certainly better then eating a real brownie for those trying to watch their calories. The carbs are coming from the beans and we could all use more beans in our lives.

So, the verdict on these: Eh. They are ok. The texture is very different from a brownie. It is more custard-y, bread pudding-ish. They are a little too sweet with not enough chocolate flavor. The flavor of the coconut really comes through, which is nice. I think next time I will also add some coffee since coffee tends to bring out the richness of chocolate. They won't go to waste. I will likely eat all of them while trying to convince myself that this is what brownies taste like.


And now for the exercise portion of my post:

I am working out my training plan currently for running.

I would like to try to fit in 4 runs a week. This will include 1 long run of hopefully 1 1/2 hours or more.  When the weather gets nice enough outside for me to switch to running outdoors then I will likely track distance again, but for now I am still focusing on time only. I also should be cross training 1-2 times a week. My goal is to get at least 5 hours of physical activity in per week, which really is not very much. We will see how this works with family and work and all those normal obligations that can make things difficult.

This last week I managed to run for 4 hours and 2 minutes and walked for 1 hour. I got 4 runs in with my longest run being for 1 hour and 37 minutes. I feel like this is all rather respectable. I am sure most people can figure out what this "training" is for, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying it out loud this early.

I also found some running shoes that I am in love with:
http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/Five-Fingers-Lontra-Womens.htm

I currently run in Bikilas, but the shoes above look so much warmer for this cold and snow! However, like most people, I don't have $150 just laying around for new shoes everytime the weather changes.

Let's have an honest chat

It isn't a huge secret that I have lost weight over the last few years. Anyone with access to my Facebook photos can see this change that has occurred. I am not about to discuss the "how" to lose weight. There are MANY varied options and I couldn't tell you what the right choice is for you and your situation. Heck, it is hard for me to find the right path for myself. This drawn out thought is more about what happens after the weight loss.

With the new year comes many, many, many commercials prompting people to lose weight. These commercials promise you a whole new life, happiness, joy, and sex appeal. They are trying to make money off you. Keep that in mind. I will happily share with you what things have changed about my life with weight loss vs. what has stayed exactly the same.

What has stayed the same:

1. My happiness level. I was content before and I am content now. Losing weight will not fix all that is wrong with your life. 
2. How much I love myself. I never was filled with self-hared when I was fat. If you hate yourself when fat, you will still hate yourself even as you lose weight. Find a way to love yourself regardless of what size you are.
3. My romantic life. Have a partner who ridicules you about your size? It isn't you, it is them. They will still be a jerk after you lose weight. My husband has loved me and been attracted to me when I was 130lbs up to 256lbs and back down again. Our relationship has not changed. Well, I guess with the exception that I am often trying to force him to go for a run with me now.
4. My energy level. I know I am supposed to say that I have so much more energy, but I have always had quite a bit of kick in my step. I haven't really noticed it change. It isn't as if I was some lazy slug before and suddenly now I am taking on the world. I have been taking on the world since 1980 :)
5. My attractiveness. Haha! Ok, I know this is in the eye of the beholder, but please, I was a hot piece back then and I still am ;)  (see what I am saying? I have been full of myself regardless of size)
6. I still have arthritis in my joints. Sure, they feel a bit better with less of me to support, but my knees and hands are still achey and stiff each cold morning. 
7. Who I am. I am not a "whole new me" or anything like that. I am just the same old me. I really don't feel that my personality has changed at all. People's perceptions of me may have changed, but who I am putting out there is really quite the same.

What has changed:

1. I look worse naked. No, really. Lose 130+lbs and you will see what I mean. It isn't pretty. I need to wear Spanx more now then I did back when I was heavy. Skin galore. I am saving up for a tummy tuck and breast lift. If you saw me naked, I promise you would kick $100 into my savings fund. I don't hate my body, but I am just sharing with you that Megan Fox was not hiding under the adipose tissue.
2. My cholesterol levels! Hells yeah! I have normal cholesterol levels, which is THRILLING to me. I get giddy whenever I get my levels checked now. Joe told me it would be an overkill to frame my blood work. I am also not pre-diabetic now :)
3. My ability to do physical activities. I have become more physically fit, but that isn't just magic weight loss, that is also being active and building my activity level. I never was ashamed of my weight or let it stop me from going swimming or whatever, but it is much easier to now go running, hiking, etc. I can also easily do things like go sledding with my kids. This won't be different for everyone, though! There are heavy people who can run marathons, people! 
4. How I eat and how I watch the scale. I have to eat very differently now and I have to watch myself like a hawk. In my mind, I really had imagined that once I hit my goal weight, that I would be able to just live easily without ever having to worry about the scale again. That is exactly the opposite of true. Maintaining my weight is HARD. If I don't weigh myself daily then I start to creep up a bit. Every time my weight begins to creep, then I have to start all over again with logging and weighing every bite of everything I consume to see where my problem foods are so I can cut them out. 
5. How strangers treat me. It is bizarre, but strangers tend to be nicer to me now. And it isn't because I am suddenly a more outgoing person or smiling more or whatever. It is, I believe, because we live in a fat-phobic society. Now, people open doors for me (Joe tells me that move is all about trying to look at the person's behind, but it happens even when I am wearing a winter parka). It is weird and still taking some getting used to. And it makes me a bit angry. I was a worthy person before. I am not suddenly more worthy of kindness just because I am smaller.
6. Clothes are cheaper. Shopping is not actually more fun though because, with all the extra skin, clothes tend to fit weird. Still, I am happy to not be giving 1/2 my annual income to Lane Bryant anymore. $14.50 for knickers.... Lane Bryant, you should be ashamed.

I guess the take away message that I want people to have is that you should love yourself regardless of your size. Losing weight is not some magic cure-all to all that is wrong with your life. Chase your health rather than a certain jean size. Don't let those stupid commercials and infomercials make you feel like you are any less than amazing.

Appreciating where I am at

Joe and I have spent a whole lot of time moving and trying different places on for size. I have spent a few years trying to convince him that we should head warmer. My dream location is New Mexico. He is quite settled in Minnesota. I am learning to embrace this. Why always be looking for the greener patch of grass when ours isn't too shabby?

I feel like one of the ways to make Minnesota survivable is to find things to do during the LONG winter. I am not a snowmobiler or ice fisherman. Downhill skiing scares the poop out of me. So, I found myself wishing for cross country skis or snowshoes. Skis are a little spendy, so I settled on snowshoes. These are fun!!! I can see myself doing this more.

I went and trudged around behind the college in town on the trails and just enjoyed. It was chilly out, weather.com says that the temp felt like 8 degrees during the time I was out. I guess that would explain why my fingers were numb.

I saw a few people out skiing and even one person hiking through the snow. I guess we were all out to enjoy the same scenery.

Just a few months ago I was running along this same trail with my jogging stroller and Fritz was fast asleep under a blanket. Today, I left him at home.

It was quiet and peaceful. Not much for wildlife this time of year. It is as if everything is asleep. that doesn't detract from the beauty, instead it reminds me of checking on a sleeping child.... they look angelic and extra lovely when they are asleep and you just know that there will be a party when they finally wake. Spring will be a blast.

While I was pondering all of this, it happened. That zen moment that I chase while doing any sort of workout. My brain went quiet and my body was moving forward and I felt nothing other than light and free and I thought of nothing other than just movement. I could hear my feet crunching the snow and my breath (yeah, I was breathing hard), but these sounds were comforting and almost like white noise in the background. I LOVE when this happens. I will spend the next 20 workouts looking for that same sort of feeling again. Best meditation ever.

My challenge to myself this week

I have been struggling this fall/early winter with exercise. I just haven't been getting nearly enough of it.  It is the baby's fault. He is a handful and i am often exhausted by the end of the day. Ok, it isn't really his fault. It is just all the normal stuff that makes it hard for anyone to keep up with fitness: kids, work, lack of sunlight, short days, work, kids, cold weather moving in, work, kids.... did I mention kids and work? Going to the gym can be a challenge with the cost of gas and the time it takes between driving (20-ish minutes each way), dropping off Fritz at the childcare, working out, picking Fritz up, and then driving home. I need to be home again before my kids get home from school and so it basically has to be a day that I am not working in order for me to have enough time to go. None of this is new to anyone who has ever struggled to keep workouts happening. It is hard. It is hard for nearly everyone to fit all these things in.

The last 3 days I have managed to work out every day!! Whoohoo! I have decided to challenge myself to continue this all week long. At least SOMETHING everyday. Even if it is just walking around the track at the community center or doing a yoga video here at home. I know that if I do it every single day, I am more likely to keep it up. When I take a few days off, it is that much harder for me to motivate myself into doing anything.

Why is it so important to me? Exercise makes me a nicer person. Go ahead, ask my kids... I am much calmer and have a much longer fuse when I have recently worked out. Also, my jeans have been getting tight. This is not good. It is so much easier to fix a problem when it is a small problem then letting it become a big problem. Much easier to lose 5lbs than 125. I would say that exercise is the only "me" time that I ever get. Fritz even stays with me the vast majority of the time for work, so it is a rare, rare thing for me to be alone. Not that I often get to be alone for exercise either, but at least some of the time I do :)

Hopefully, I can pull it off this week. I am not off to a great start this morning since SOMEBODY (not naming any names... Fritz....) has an upset tummy and so I can't take him to the Y or drop him off at childcare. I will not inflict these diapers on anyone.

Running for time instead of distance

The last few runs at the Community Center have been really freeing in some ways. I decided that since 13.5 laps make a mile, there was just no way that I was going to count laps or be able to keep track. Instead, I just ran and listened to my music. I ended up going for 38 minutes the first time and 31 minutes last night. It does hit my pride a little to not see the mileage building, but I think this method is better for my mental space.

It has been a challenge for me when I see other people's paces to keep my head held high. I am SLOW.  If I ever run a mile in less than 9 minutes, I will throw a party (no, really.... big party). On average, I tend to run a mile in about 12-13 minutes. This is even the case back before Fritz when I was running a lot more and on a more regular basis. Even when I had to run 2 miles in less than 18:54 to pass Army basic training, I barely made it and then threw up on myself and peed my pants... that is how hard I was running. And that was after being in extremely regular physical training.... hours every. single. day. At the community center, it is not unusual for little old ladies with walkers to pass me. One would think it would be inspirational to compare with others who are running faster, but for me, it hits me and makes it so I kinda just want to give up. So, I am feeling like if I stop keeping track of pace for awhile, it will keep me moving without me making the comparisons. I am a pretty competitive person in some ways..... usually in ways that bring me down on myself.

I thought a lot about training techniques last night while running in a circle. I was wondering if I would be able to train for any big races by ignoring distance. I think so! I find that when I am tracking distance, I sometimes will skip hills or other things that would make my run more challenging so that I get a better time. I also will often stick to only roads that I know I can map later so I know how far I went. If I am running slower than normal, I will find myself getting really angry at myself instead of just relaxing and going with it. When I have focused on wanting to go a certain distance, I have sometimes pushed myself much harder than my body could handle (hello, injury!). Even if I never pay attention to distance again, I guess I will know that I would be ready for a marathon if I could run for 5 hours :) I have a feeling that I will start tracking distances again before I am able to run for 5 hours straight, but for now it is feeling a bit more 'zen' to just let it go.

Monday Fitness Weekly Wrap-up (a day late)

I have to say, I like the sounds of "Fitness Fridays" better..... maybe I will switch to reporting on Fridays.

Anyhow, I have been going to the YMCA this past week. It is nice because there is childcare there for Fritz, so I can get a break every so often from this lovely boy. I went and swam laps twice, ran for a smidge on the treadmill (and then realized that I would rather not run at all then run on a treadmill, those things are sooooo boring), and took a few walks this week. Grand total I moved my body 6 miles and did almost 3 hours of exercise. I could have gotten more in, but we got the stomach flu on Friday in this house and it took all weekend to recover.

Also, the children had a long weekend home from school, which just threw off routine and made it hard to do anything. I took them swimming on Thursday, but swimming with kids is rarely actually swimming. It really involved me standing and bouncing and chatting with a friend while making sure no one ran or dunked or drown.

All in all, it just wasn't a very impressive week. Maybe this week will be better???

Where are the running posts???

I have been asked a few times by people what has happened to all my running Dailymile posts that I used to do. Unfortunately, I am just not logging very many miles by running right now. Prior to getting pregnant (and even during my pregnancy) there was a certain bliss that came from long runs. Going out for 90 minutes to run brought me an incredible zen-like joy, lots of endorphins, and I wouldn't even ache the next day. I seem to have lost that! Since Fritz was born, each run has made me tired, sore, achey, and not joy-like. I haven't been able to capture that blissful feeling.

I still remember one amazing run, shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I went up to the college and ran on their trails while contemplating the surprising news that we were going to have a new person joining us. I had a lot to think about. On the way home, which was downhill, I decided to run through people's yards rather than the sidewalk. I was in my barefoot shoes, Mumford and Sons pumping through my headphones, and I was flying down the hill through the grass. I felt like a kid. I got home and was so filled with JOY (you know, and endorphins getting me high as a kite). I want to feel THAT when I workout. I need to feel that in order to continue.

Today is the Mankato Marathon. I am cheering on all the people who are running (but from home as I am recovering from the flu), and I hope they are feeling that joy and bliss. I had been planning on running a marathon by now (Fox Cities Marathon back in September), but when I couldn't get that bliss to join me in my running shoes, I couldn't make myself do the long milage required for training. There is a big part of me that is jealous of those runners as this was a goal I had held out for myself, but it is simply not my time yet. I have faith that eventually I will find that rhythm again, where I run and feel like a kid and my brain goes quiet from all the worries and stresses of life.

In the meantime, I am experimenting with workouts. I have been walking a lot since Fritz enjoys that. I have also been hitting the YMCA for some lap swimming, which I suck at. I am looking at a few YMCA classes that I might give a try to.... cardio kickboxing and that sort of thing. Maybe I will give yoga another try. I have considered buying snow shoes and cross country skis for winter, maybe one of these other activities will help me find that same joy? Time will tell.

Monday Fitness Weekly Wrap-Up

Mondays are the start of the new week on dailymile, so I tend to think of my workout week beginning on a Monday rather than a Sunday. This last week I logged 14.93 miles..... not too shabby, but I need to improve upon that! I spent 4 hours and 42 minutes getting these miles and there was only 1 run, the rest were walks. I didn't even walk in a weird, fast, hip-swinging way. It was just me out for a stroll with the baby.

Our walks were all lovely. It is getting crisp out there. I found my headphones (finally!) after losing them in the move. Fritz loves being in the stroller, so I have been trying to get him out in the fresh air almost daily. My run with Fritz was a little rough as we had a run-in with a driver who thought he was HILARIOUS, but I have let it go.

This week I would like to really try to get myself to the Y to work out. I haven't used my membership since I was pregnant (other than taking the kids swimming a few times), even though I continue to pay for it. The childcare there doesn't accept babies until they are 6 months old, so I had to wait. Fritz turned 6 months old over the summer, but then the hours of school age watch and younger kids weren't the same and the Pepsi cube (where big kids can play) wasn't open at the same time as the childcare and so, basically, it was impossible for me to go with all these children. Now with school back in session and the childcare hours being normal, I should either be able to go during the day when the bigs are all in school, or even after school if the bigs have their homework done.

I have been considering once a week making Amelia go to an aerobics class with me. Maybe Zumba. I am trying to find ways to make my kids more active. I want to help them find activities they don't mind doing. I figure exercise is NOT optional when it comes to health so I just want to help them find activities they enjoy doing. I actually have it as part of their daily chore charts. They must move their bodies for 20 minutes (minimum) each day after school. How they do it is up to them, but they can walk, jump on the trampoline, ride bike, go for a run, play at the park across the street, organize a game that involves running, etc. I plan on making a better effort once it gets cold outside of taking them to the pool to swim once or twice a week for their activity, but for now the weather has been holding.

Maybe I will try to make it to lap swim today. Of course, that will require enough shower time to shave and I am not sure if Fritz will allow for that. We will see what we can accomplish :)

Weight loss goals vs. delusions

I am finding myself torn lately about my goals when it comes to my weight. When I originally started this weight loss journey I figured I would be happy if I ever got to the point where I didn't need to shop at Lane Bryant anymore. Once that happened, then I figured if I could get to a normal BMI (136lbs or less) then that would be amazing. I had almost gotten there when I got pregnant. After having Fritz, I was immediately 131 lbs, which was pretty stinking awesome. Now, at 8 1/2 months post partum, I am down to 123 lbs. This is way lighter than I had ever expected to be. This is where I become a bit confused though. I find myself wondering if I shouldn't just take off another 10-15lbs. I have a teeny little frame, I am not meant to be heavy. I am not "big boned" at all! Should I consider myself done with weight loss at 123 or should I push just a little bit more?

When I look at my excess skin, there is, realistically, about 6-10 lbs worth of excess skin that I could have removed. You simply can't lose as much weight as I have (I have lost more than I weigh) and NOT have a good amount of extra skin swinging around. So, maybe I shouldn't lose anything and instead save up for a tummy tuck/lower body lift?

It is hard to think of getting OUT of the weigh loss mode. This must be how those anorexic girls on the after-school specials felt. They could look in a mirror and still see a bit more to come off. Not that I am anorexic.... I am not saying that. It is just that one can always see room for improvement and when does this cross into being a bit delusional? When does it cross into an unhealthy obsession?

I think I need to just get back in the gym and focusing on my work outs. That tends to help as I am not so focused on my weight or weight loss, but instead focused on fitness goals. Now that Fritzy is over 6 months old, he can finally go to the childcare at the YMCA!!!! YAY!!! I should utilize that on days that I don't have to work. This last week I have let my feet carry me more than 13 miles with running/walking and that has been sooooooo nice. Time to step it up a bit more. Time to lift some weights and get some muscles. Time to challenge myself. Time to get re-started with that marathon training business..... that all fell by the wayside while we tried to make this house livable and my arthritis was flaring up big time and life felt hard.

Fitness goals:

• Be able to ride bike to and from the YMCA for workouts (the Y is the next town down the highway), this would be 12.9 miles each way.
• Get back up to running for 60-90 minutes straight.... eventually get that marathon training
• Lift some weights! See some arm muscles
• Be able to swim 1/2 a mile
• Be able to feel fit enough to go for a run with someone else (I run alone because I am SLOW)

Need to get on track

One of the hardest parts for me of this whole home renovation business is that I have fallen WAY off course with eating and exercising. I have been eating crap and just not finding anytime to work out at all. This is not good and makes me very nervous as anyone who has ever struggled with these issues knows it can be a very easy slide back. I need to get back on course. Today. Fortunately, my weight is still doing ok-ish. It is still within the range that I like it to be in, but it is on the higher end of that range as I guess I gained 4lbs. I am hoping most of that is water retention from the extreme heat. I still need to get back on track though, regardless of what the scale says.

Today I am back to cruising my favorite nutrition blogs and planning out my meals/snacks so I don't just end up grabbing the first thing I see when I walk in the kitchen. I need high protein and low-ish carbs. I have been slipping with the carbs. A piece of bread here, a few crackers there.... slippery slope.

I need to find time for the exercise thing. Working on the house as been lots of manual labor, but I need a bit more. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a moment to maybe ride my bike or run or something. I have been eyeing up fall races....

New bike

I got a new bike yesterday! I already had a bike, but it was an Electra cruiser, which looks awesome and is very comfy to ride to the store, it cannot get up hills or go with any sort of speed at all. So, I picked up a Specialized Vita, which is an entry level sort of bike that I could do a triathlon on, but mostly I will be using it for cross training as I prepare for a marathon.

I need to figure out how to post pictures of my rides. This area is so beautiful and that beauty is uplifting to my tired, mommied-out soul. Yesterday I rode 9 miles and today I rode just shy of 6 miles. I was planning to go just a bit further, but my husband got called out to work so I needed to get home to take over kid-duty while he earned a paycheck.

There are now parts of my anatomy that hurt that I didn't even realize existed. I now understand padded bike shorts. I think tomorrow I better run so that I can allow my lady business to recover. Running is a bit rough right now because of arthritis acting up in my joints and the fact that I don't have the stamina that I had pre-baby. It was so fun to just go and run for 90 minutes without really thinking about it, but now I just can't quite do that. Also, even though I am out without my baby, I am not really baby-free. I check my phone every 5-10 minutes to be sure my husband doesn't need me to come back yet and if I think about the baby too much then my sports bra starts to fill with milk. He is effecting my run even when he isn't with me :)

We will see what I can bust out tomorrow!