Marathon Music

As I was running yesterday I had an idea that will hopefully help to motivate me to continue to run my butt off. I would love other people to help me build my playlist! I am going to need about 6 hours of music. So, hit me! What are your favorite running songs? What song makes you think of me? If you were running a long distance, what would help propel you just a bit further? I think it will be fun to have music picked by friends.... it will be like people are cheering me on!

Just leave the song(s) in a comment to me :)

Running thoughts

Today I took a run. I was planning on going 4 miles, but I had only drank 2 cups of coffee and 8oz of water for the entire day (it was 4pm) and the heat was getting to me. I was tooooooooo thirsty so I called it off after 3.2 miles. While I often seek the quiet mind during a run, I don't always achieve it. Today is a prime example. My thoughts were on turbo-speed. I was having a hard time even getting into any of the music on my ipod and often a song would trigger all new thoughts. Here is a peak inside my mind.

<Here we go again>- OOooooh, I love this song! The video is even better. I wonder if I could dance on a treadmill. No, I can't even walk or run on one without holding on.
Oh shoot! Broken bottle on the ground. College kids drinking and playing beer pong. I wonder as I am running by if they see me as some weird old lady who is scoping them out? Do they even notice me? Probably, since I yelled, "F-ck!" while jumping on glass with my barefoot shoes. I wish I was running faster. That would be more impressive, if I was flying by these kids rather than running at a pace that makes me feel like I am doing a satirical play where I go in slow motion.

<Thrift Store> Maybe I can find the right pace. I did play this song 11 times on my last long run because it was just right. Yep, definitely a power song. maybe I should shop at Goodwill more. No, what if we got bedbugs or head lice. Head lice clean up SUCKS. I should probably check Edie again. Oh, shoot! I think I was supposed to give the dogs their flea treatment this last week. Ooooh, and heart guard.

Damn. This hill is hard. I am thirsty. I hope no one I know sees me right now. Is that Christina coming down the hill in the Subaru? Oh, it is! I wish I was running fast rather than walking up this hill and dying. I don't look very bad-ass while i am dying. Oh, good, she didn't see me.

<Dirrty>Ok, Erika, pull it together. Pretend you are running in that outfit Christina Aguilera wore in this video. She was tough. Get some swagger. Wait, she was wearing leather ass-less chaps. Those sound really HOT to run in. And probably should only be worn by women in their early 20s.... and sexy men in really good shape. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if my saggy mom butt was so saggy in back that it tucked right into the legs of the chaps? Yeah, Erika, NEVER wear chaps.

Speaking of butts.... I am concerned as to where the bloomers of this running skirt may have migrated to.  Is it worse to pick a wedgie while running or to pretend you don't notice it, but each breeze that blows the running skirt up shows to everyone that you have a massive wedgie? Is there a sly way to take care of this problem? Maybe I could squat down to "fix my shoe" and take care of it?

Running down this hill is fun. I wish all hills were only downhill. Maybe I should walk up it so I can run down again? Suck it up, baby, Mankato won't get any flatter before the marathon in October.

Why do I feel like I might die today? Can I pull it together tomorrow for a longer run?
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And on and on it went. 3.2 miles of constant brain chatter. Hopefully tomorrow will be a quieter brain since I am hoping for 8 miles. I don't know if I can handle my brain going on and on and on for 8 miles.

So glad Mother's Day is over!

Yesterday was a rough day. It was supposed to be a special, nice day and instead, my favorite part of the entire day was bedtime. Being a mom sometimes sucks.

I would first like to explain that Joe's back has been bothering him for a week. Then on Saturday we moved some heavy concrete. Sunday at 1am he woke up in horrible pain.... like bring a grown man to tears kind of pain. Fritz woke up at 1:30 and I couldn't get him back to sleep until 5am, something was bothering him and making him cry out and be really restless. So, I was going into the day pretty sleep deprived. I went back to bed at 6:30am and stayed there until 8:30am... grand total I got about 4.5 hours of sleep.

At 8:30am I got up because of the screaming fights coming from downstairs.... not because of the delightful crackle of bacon or the smell of fresh coffee. Joe couldn't make anything (stuck flat on his back on the couch), even though there had originally been a plan for breakfast in bed. My feelings were a bit hurt. Not because Joe couldn't do it, but because the kids didn't try to do anything. I had even told the kids the night before that I would accept leftover pizza for breakfast in bed. They decided they would rather play on their Kindles. No one wished me a happy Mother's Day. No one tried to figure out how to work the Kuerig to make me a quick cup of coffee. None of my kids gave a shit.

So, I did what I do nearly every morning. I did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up their breakfast dishes that they left laying about, nursed Fritz, changed Fritz, let out the dogs, fed the dogs, etc, etc, etc. I decided once everything was finished that I would take myself for a nice, long run. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, my marathon training plan required some attention. While my husband told me to go, my oldest child started yelling at me. I asked all the kids to help watch Fritz while I was gone since Joe couldn't move. She decided this was unfair as she wanted me to take her shopping. Keep in mind that I HATE shopping and we had never said that we would go shopping anywhere. She wanted colored pencils and she decided that riding her bike to the store in town wasn't good enough. She also decided that she could not wait until I got back from my run, but wanted to go right in the middle of when I was going to be gone. She was really mean about all of this. I cried my whole way down to where I was going to run.

My run was lovely, but slow. I was tired and worn down. I got home to find napping baby and Joe, so I just rested quietly. Once everyone discovered I was home, it was back to normal life. Kids fighting more and needing me to break up fights. Yelling at me for not breaking these fights up fairly. Telling me that I am a horrible parent. Thank you. That is just what every woman wants to hear on Mother's Day. By the time bedtime rolled around (which was 1.5 hours early for the one child who had been the meanest to me), I had been yelled at pretty much all day. I felt verbally abused. I had been told that I was hated at least 5 times, told I was a bad mom at least 3 times, and I am pretty sure at one point I heard someone say our youngest child's initials at me (which is a very, very bad thing), but I was too broken hearted to find out for sure.

Had Joe not been hurting so much, I would have left in the morning and not come back until they were all in bed. I would have found something to do by myself rather than be with crabby people who were getting their kicks from being mean to me. I was stuck, though. Had it not been Mother's Day, it would have just been a not-so-great day of cranky kids, but since it was supposed to be a day about showing appreciation, it stung extra. Many of my friends were getting lattes in bed or handmade cards or extra hugs. I was getting, "I HATE YOU!" Maybe my expectations were too high for the day. Whatever it was, I am glad that day is over. Now we can just go back to normal life.

Never more than we can handle?

Something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately is: does God really never give us more than we can handle?

This is something that is often said to people in horrible situations. Usually it is tossed about when there is a severe illness or big loss. People say it to try to give comfort to the person going through struggle. I don't know that it ever really helps. Is it even true? I tell you what.... if I am going through something horrendous and you tell me that I should have comfort because God will never give me more than I can handle, I will freakin cut you. I will unfriend you on Facebook, I will draw mustaches on every picture I can find of you. Just know, never say that shit to me.

I believe that people are regularly given more than they can handle. I don't know why it happens, but I believe that to be true. I believe that really NONE of us can handle certain things like a severe illness or injury in our children or the death of a loved one. However, as people, we get up and breathe each breath and try to live and get through the day. That is different than being able to handle it.

We are given far more sorrow in our lives then we are able to handle, but we are also given more joy. Do you remember that overwhelming joy when you looked at your child and realized they were your family for the first time? It may have happened at the moment at birth or adoption or maybe just a random Tuesday that you were staring at that tiny person and realized they were YOUR PERSON. My heart burst with more joy then it could possibly contain each of the 4 times that I accepted the new child into my family, my tribe. I couldn't handle all of that joy. Too much love. Too much joy. Too much everything.

Of course, the ying to the yang here is that sometimes we are given far more sorrow then we can actually handle. That is ok. Lean on your friends and loved ones. You need to get up and breathe in and out all day long, and that may be all you can actually handle for the day. That does not mean you are failing in any way. It simply means that God does, very regularly, give people more than what they can actually handle.

I don't pretend to understand why bad things happen to good people. All I know is that if you are one of my people and going through a horrible time, I will love you completely and totally. I will try to help in what ways that I can. I also will have no judgment if you need some space to completely fall apart. I don't believe for an instant that God won't give you more than you can handle, but I do believe that you have friends and family who love you and will try their damnedest to hold you up during the worst of the worst.

The end of an era

Today marks the end of our baby-making and having era. Joe got the vasectomy he has been dreaming of for years :) He is quite content. I am quite brokenhearted. I only share this because it is real and honest and the sorts of decisions that many relationships face.

I was asked recently why it was that I was ok with a vasectomy before Fritz came along and suddenly was not. To be honest, Fritz came about after a few years of unexplained fertility issues. We tried for years to have another baby and nothing happened. We finally decided on a vasectomy because I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't spend each month wondering if it would be the month that I would get pregnant. I could look ahead in the future and think, "hey maybe I should register for that conference..... or maybe I will be pregnant!" I couldn't live in limbo anymore. It was time to just move on from the ghosts of all the babies I would never have. And then Fritz came along.

I had another baby, guys, and this has opened me back up to wanting more. Originally I wanted like a bajillion kids. I got pregnant and my heart melted and anything seemed possible again. Maybe I could have that bajillion kids afterall  or 5-10 of them. For Joe, Fritz coming along had the opposite effect. It made him feel content and finished. He knew for certain he was DONE DONE DONE having kids. 4 is it.

We discussed the crap out of it. Basically, Joe wanted me to agree with him that I felt done too and I wanted to find a way to talk him into at least 1 more. No dice either way. How can I say that I don't want to have that baby, the next one in line, the one that I am sure is meant to be in my arms? Yet,  how can I demand my husband help me make a baby he has no interest in having or raising? This is a situation that has no winners.

Joe and I met nearly 14 years ago. We get along really well. I respect him and I can respect the choices he has made about his reproductive health. They may not be the same choices I would make, but I can't blame him for being honest about being DONE. Even if we would have delayed the vasectomy until I felt more ready, it really would have just been me hoping to put off the vasectomy for long enough in hopes that I would get pregnant again during the wait time. That wouldn't be fair. Again, there are no winners here. Well, I would say that Joe won, but he is currently wearing a bag of frozen peas in his pants. We have spent most of the afternoon doing what we do best about stressful or hard situations, which is joke about it A LOT. Joe was saying some crazy stuff while half-naked on a table..... and on drugs. He makes me smile.

I am sure, in time, I will get to a place of content, but for tonight I will sit with a glass of wine and feel a little sorry for myself and a pretty big sense of loss knowing that our childbearing has come to an end.

Vote on how to decorate our stairs

I would love to hear input. I have big plans for our stairs that involve Modge Podge and awesome pictures put onto the kickplate of each stair. Trouble is, I am having a hard time deciding on a theme of awesomeness. What would you do? We are a fun, laid back kind of family. We take nothing seriously. With that in mind, here are some of the ideas:

1. awesome mullets
2. great facial hair of our time
3. comics- Archie and Jughead
4. cocktails
5. pictures of ridiculous foods
6. crazy birth art
7. pictures the kids make
8. sexy men who look like dirty hippies (yeah, that is a selfish one)
9. retro advertisements
10. pin-up girls
11. clowns (haha! Just kidding)
12. other?

Starting the next to-do list for the house

We have been on a major pause when it comes to the big work for our house. We are waiting for warmer weather for most of it. I am pretending that spring is just around the corner and working on the to-do list.

1. replace front door and frame it properly
2. build steps to the front door
3. create a walk way that extends from the door down to the street
4. new mailbox
5. take out the extra door in my office and put in a wall there instead, paint/side/all that good stuff
6. replace the kitchen counter
7. do a kitchen backsplash
8. Possibly a new kitchen sink?
9. change the kitchen drop tiles with fresh/clean ones
10. get the basement foundation evaluated to see where the leak is coming from and how sturdy the whole thing is or is not
11. insulate the area under the house where our bathroom pipes run and freeze
12. get crazy with some modge podge and our stairs
13. finish getting paint drips off the floor
14. finish touching up paint in a few places (girls' room, by the kitchen stairs)
15. paint my office a slightly darker color (this one is going to surprise Joe, but there you have it)
16. finish painting the trim/doors upstairs
17. get a full length door for the girls (they still have the duct tape Dutch door)
18. sew curtains for Owen's room, upstairs hallway, and kitchen windows
19. find a dresser to repurpose into an entertainment center so I can get rid of the horrendous one my husband picked out a few years ago (black glass.... seriously? Could anything be harder to clean?)
20. start laying out the big projects and look at financing for: windows, siding (insulation), and an addition.

We also need to do some serious work in the garden and yard. Lots of areas need to be leveled out and we need to be sure that the weeds don't take over this year. We want to get fruit trees put in, a garden started, and a few flowers placed. Not too many cause flowers aren't my thing. We also need to work on our garage. We need a new walk-through door on it. I would love to put a new garage door and paint it, but we might want to wait for new siding on the house to be sure we are all matchy-matchy first. 

Now here is the part of the post that will excite many of my friends with green thumbs! This is the plant portion. Here are my plans so far for trees and bushes (keep in mind we have 1/2 an acre):

1. 2 chestnut trees
2. 2 hazelnut trees
3. 1 North Star cherry tree
4. 3 apple trees- honey crisp, nova spy, and mcintosh
5. a bunch of Hansen Bush Cherries along the front of the property line
6. 2 plum trees- superior and an alderman
7. 1 peach tree- a reliance dwarf
8. 20 raspberry plants as a minimum
9. a strawberry bed
10. asparagus
11. a grape arbor 
12. secret honey bees
13. and of course, a regular garden with cucumbers, green beans, zucchini, tomatoes, basil, and some beets or something. We will start a bit small on this and extend it yearly. I don't have the best green thumb, so I really prefer trees to garden.

I love planning and thinking about these things. Then, of course, it is also fun to complete these projects and cross them off the list :)

Trying to get back on track, nutritionally speaking.

I seem to have fallen WAY off track with eating well. It was easy to do. In the early days of having Fritz I was burning tons of calories nursing him and then this summer I was usually walking to do all my errands, so I would walk 4 miles a day plus get in regular workouts too. It is winter now and cold out so I am not walking anywhere. Fritz still nurses a lot, but it seems that my body has figured this out and isn't burning quite as many calories doing it. Plus, the past 2 weeks he has really suddenly taken a liking to eating solids. I have gone from 123 in November to now about 131. Yep, 8lbs in a pretty short amount of time. It probably also has to do with being off call and perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe. All 8lbs is in my gut, a nice little beer belly... my own version of the Freshmen 15. So, I decided to do a post for complete and total accountability with what I am eating. I LOVE reading other people's posts with their diet diary for the day. I guess I am obsessed with food in that way. Sometimes, through logging, I am able to see exactly where I am doing well and where I need work.

Breakfast:
I drank a ton of coffee. My first cup of coffee for the day my lovely husband made for me and it tasted REALLY good, so I am assuming there was probably 2 oz of half and half instead of 1 oz. So, 3oz of half and half for the day.

Then I made a breakfast sandwich with a Flatout flatbread, egg beaters, piece of American cheese (ok, it is "cheese food" not real cheese, but it is delicious), and Canadian bacon. I ate 80% of it and was stuffed. Must be all the fiber in the flatbread.

Lunch #1: (did I mention that I eat a bazillion times a day?)

I got these yummy mini peppers and little fancy cucumbers. I am pairing them with a bit of reduced fat ranch dressing (making my own with greek yogurt would be even better, nutritionally) and an oz of turkey.

Lunch #2:

A client gave me fresh bread and strawberry jam. I had no choice but to eat a slice :)

Afternoon snack:

Venti skinny mocha (thank you, awesome husband, for bringing me happiness)

Dinner:

I made a turkey and cheese sandwich and grabbed a few chips, but I ended up not being all that hungry and eating only 1/3 of the sandwich and about 4 potato chips. Edie finished the rest quite happily.

Evening snack #1:

Protein shake made with 1% milk, Max protein powder, and a few cherries

Evening snack #2:

Apple and laughing cow cheese.

Between all this eating I got in two of these bad boys with herbal tea:

So, my nutritional stats for the day are: 1323 calories, 41 grams of fat, 87 grams protein, 23 grams of fiber

Not too shabby. I am still trying to find the right balance for my body.


I also managed to get in a run and another workout today. I REALLY wanted to eat food from Patrick's. Like a patty melt, beer battered cheese nuggets, and beer. I can often mentally justify these things to myself by telling myself that it is just a little treat and in moderation, but I have been indulging FAR too often and it is time to rein it in. I just wish raw veggies tasted as good as fried junkfood. And don't tell me that they do, I will just call you a big fibber.

My ode to fat-free strawberry cream cheese

Cream cheese, you are not.
You melt even when not hot.
You are runny and weird,
creating on my chin a little pink beard.

I thought you would be yummy,
Put on a bagel and sent to my expanding, soft tummy.
Without the delightful fat you are just kinda sad.
To be honest, you taste really, pretty bad.

If I hadn't gained 8 pounds this season,
I wouldn't have purchased you as I would have no reason.
I think I like my food either plain of full of yummy fat.
I can just burn off the extra calories on a yoga mat.

Sore toes

I haven't been running or really doing much of anything physical the last 2 weeks other than going snow shoeing 1 time. The reason for this is that my toes are far too sore in this cold weather!!! So, besides being all arthritic and old feeling at the ripe age of 32, I also have developed Raynaud's Phenomenon (or Disease or Disorder).

Last year when Fritz was born, it was in my nipples. Holy hell, breastfeeding hurt like crazy. It got better once the weather warmed up and I didn't notice it again until it got cold this winter. This winter I have the joy of having it in my toes. Better than the nipples, but still not very comfortable. Raynaud's is a vasoconstriction issue, so when my toes get cold the blood stops pumping to them. Since it is Minnesota and winter, my feet are cold All. The. Time.

When the blood resumes pumping to my toes, they become swollen. So, they hurt when the blood stops pumping and they hurt when the blood overcompensates. Because of this issues, my toes are actually becoming covered in blisters and the starts of blisters because it doesn't take much to damage tissue when that tissue isn't getting enough blood. My toes hurt if they touch one another. It hurts to wear shoes. Socks that are too tight and shove my toes together are excruciating, but not wearing socks and my feet getting all cold is not acceptable either.

Here is what they look like when the blood starts pumping to them again after a cold attack. You can see my toes are swollen and they are actually more red than what shows up in this photo. (My foot looks all weird because of the angle and the way I was picking it up)

So, there you have it. My reason number 127 that my husband should move with me to New Mexico. I cannot wait for spring!!!

Ok, that was my whine for the day. Now you know why I don't run outside and haven't been very active at all with the cold snap that came through last week.

Is my life really a giant joke?

I get quite a few messages and/or comments about the way that I write about life and how funny these things are. I am glad for that. That is my honest goal. I enjoy working on my story-telling abilities as much as I enjoy reading other people's stories.

The reason why my life usually sounds like one joke after another is that I have found when I get frustrated, scared, irritated, angry, or sad it is therapeutic for me to spend my time thinking of the funniest way to relay the story to others. It helps me wrap my mind around what happened, I process it, and then I am already looking to put a positive spin on things.

My husband and I were just visiting tonight about how I try very hard to not be "poor me" because we don't have real problems. A car breaking down, a kid throwing up, pipes freezing taking away my ability to flush my toilet.... these things are obnoxious, but are not real problems. Real problems are sick kids (like, REALLY sick, like cancer-sick, not just a cold-sick), being homeless, losing someone you love, having no access to medical care, being tortured, being extremely sick with a serious illness yourself, etc. I never want to lose sight of how freaking lucky we are as a family to not have real problems. I never want to fall into a pit of negativity so that I cannot recognize the good times when we are having them. Into every life a little rain must fall, so I know that we will not always be so lucky. There will be a day coming when our problems are real problems and will be something too painful to joke away or laugh about.

It isn't that I am not able to be serious when it is needed; I am able to be very serious when it is the right emotion for the time and place. I just prefer for most of my thoughts to remain rather light hearted. Actually, I would invite any friends who are finding themselves getting overwhelmed with life to do this little exercise: next time something gets a strong emotion out of you..... let's say your child has PISSED you off by.... oh, I don't know.... dumping a gallon of real maple syrup into your carpet, before you start yelling and getting angry and thinking about how you are going to punish that child to the end of the Earth and back, spend some time thinking of the funniest way you can share this quirky story with a friend. By the time you get the wording just right, most of your anger will be gone and you will be able to cope with life once again.

Recipe and training plan

I have been craving chocolate like CRAZY. I try very hard to not eat sugar. Sugar is my kryptonite. If I eat a wee bit of sugar then suddenly I am eating cake for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, 1st lunch, 2nd lunch, afternoon snack, etc. If I stay away from it, I do much better. Now, me not eating sugar also means I do not do maple syrup, honey, agave, or any other sweetener that is still filled with calories. I do not do sugar alcohols either as they mess with my tummy in a very gross and stinky sort of way. I do, however, consume a lot of Splenda. More than I should. You have been forewarned that this recipe contains Splenda. If you want to make it and use something else to sweeten it, go for it! :)

I found a brownie recipe that seemed decently healthy! It uses Splenda, but it also uses primarily black beans and eggs. Here is where I found the original:
http://www.ohtastensee.com/2012/09/27/low-fat-sugar-free-black-bean-brownies/

I plugged their nutrition information in and there is NO way that is correct. Sorry. I was getting about 3x the number of calories when I plugged their ingredients in.


Now, here is how I adjusted it to fit my needs:
2 eggs
1/2 cup of egg whites or EggBeaters (to reduce from 4 eggs to 2)
1 TBSP of coconut oil
1 TBSP of unsweetened applesauce (this took place of 1/2 the oil)
1 can of black beans, rinsed (I also chose the lowest sodium I could find)
1 TBSP vanilla
3 TBSP cocoa powder
1/2 tsp of baking powder
sprinkle of sea salt
1 cup of Splenda

Then over the top I sprinkled PB2, which is a powdered peanut butter that ROCKS. It has WAY less fat/calories but a good peanut flavor.

I baked at 350 for 25 minutes.

When I did nutrition calculations on my above recipe using MyFitnessPal.com I got (for 1/16 of the recipe):
52 calories, 6 grams carbs, 2 grams fiber, 2 grams fat, 4 grams protein

Not too shabby! Certainly better then eating a real brownie for those trying to watch their calories. The carbs are coming from the beans and we could all use more beans in our lives.

So, the verdict on these: Eh. They are ok. The texture is very different from a brownie. It is more custard-y, bread pudding-ish. They are a little too sweet with not enough chocolate flavor. The flavor of the coconut really comes through, which is nice. I think next time I will also add some coffee since coffee tends to bring out the richness of chocolate. They won't go to waste. I will likely eat all of them while trying to convince myself that this is what brownies taste like.


And now for the exercise portion of my post:

I am working out my training plan currently for running.

I would like to try to fit in 4 runs a week. This will include 1 long run of hopefully 1 1/2 hours or more.  When the weather gets nice enough outside for me to switch to running outdoors then I will likely track distance again, but for now I am still focusing on time only. I also should be cross training 1-2 times a week. My goal is to get at least 5 hours of physical activity in per week, which really is not very much. We will see how this works with family and work and all those normal obligations that can make things difficult.

This last week I managed to run for 4 hours and 2 minutes and walked for 1 hour. I got 4 runs in with my longest run being for 1 hour and 37 minutes. I feel like this is all rather respectable. I am sure most people can figure out what this "training" is for, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying it out loud this early.

I also found some running shoes that I am in love with:
http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/Five-Fingers-Lontra-Womens.htm

I currently run in Bikilas, but the shoes above look so much warmer for this cold and snow! However, like most people, I don't have $150 just laying around for new shoes everytime the weather changes.

Happy Birthday Fritzy!!!

1 year ago today our sweet Frederick Sullivan was born! I think it is time I quickly write out his birth story before I forget it all :)

He was our baby who almost wasn't. We had decided after trying for a baby for a LONG time and not getting results to stop living our lives in that uncertain place of if we would or wouldn't have a baby come along. We decided it was time for a vasectomy and we would simply appreciate the family we already had while exploring adoption a bit more seriously. I found out just a few days after making this decision that we were already expecting. Thank you, Fritz, for slipping in there :)

I won't bore you with discussion on 9 months of pregnancy. Just know that I don't do pregnancy well. I was really sick. I lost 13lbs in my first trimester and felt like garbage. My body ached as I got further along and then I spent the last month of my pregnancy with a weird pinched nerve that made me nearly bed-ridden. Anytime that I really wish for another pregnancy, I just have to remind myself of that excruciating pain that would drop me to the floor and suddenly I am kind of over it. However, I really still did cherish and enjoy growing this tiny baby in my body who I was sure was my next little girl. While I don't do pregnancy well, I always appreciate the curves of my body while pregnant. I will never look better naked then I do when pregnant.
Here I am at 38 weeks:

1 week after my due date I was achy and cranky, like every other day. I went up to St Louis Park to a meeting for midwives being held in a birth center. There were a few jokes about how well they could take care of me if I went into labor and I joked back that I couldn't afford the fee for 15 midwives and the facility fee of the birth center. Throughout the meeting I was getting more and more uncomfortable and wiggly in my chair. A few times I got just flushed. I had been contracting for WEEKS, so those meant nothing to me. Finally, the meeting was over and I was relieved because my back really hurt.

On my way home from the meeting, I called my husband and joked around, "I am having contractions every 3-4 minutes, should we have a baby today?" Again, I had been having regular bouts of contractions like this for weeks, so it was really a joke. I stopped off for some food to bring home and then finished my drive. I got home and shared some chicken nachos with Joe, greeted the kids coming home from school and looked over their report cards. I then took a shower (where I checked my cervix again... yep, still 5-6cm... why wasn't this baby coming???) and after my shower I collapsed on the bed. I was exhausted. Joe, at this point, got a call from his boss asking him if he would run a call 2 hours from home and I begged him not to; I was feeling needy and just didn't want him to go so far from home. Thankfully, he told his boss we had plans and he left the room. Shortly after this, while laying on the bed, there was amniotic fluid gushing everywhere. GUSHING. I sent Edie to get my doppler so I could listen to the baby and figured it would be good for Joe to call our midwife and let her know :)

Labor started immediately. Well, labor had really started weeks in advance, but things were very active very quickly after my water breaking. Joe worked on setting up the pool downstairs and I just hung out in our room either alone or with Edie. Every so often she would lift up my towel and announce that the baby wasn't coming out yet. Just in case I wouldn't know. Contractions were hard, like really hard, so Joe asked if we should call Rachel to start her hour drive to us. I didn't think so, but he was smart and could see that I was hiding behind our bed and clearly in labor land and doing a slight grunt-push with the peak of each contraction, so he called her anyhow.

Fortunately, the pool was ready to get in, so I could stop leaking puddles of amniotic fluid all over the power strips in our bedroom (seriously, I could have electrocuted myself with this move). Joe had the space all set up with some candles and music and the warm pool, which was far TOO warm, so I had to sit on the yoga ball while he put cold water in the pool. I climbed in just a few moments before Rachel arrived and it felt really good. When Rachel arrived I remember saying to her, "I am not having any fun!!!" and since she is a sweet friend and a good midwife, she simply said, "I know." Labor was hard and I felt so much pressure with my contractions.

This was only a few moments before his birth. Rachel seemed to just know that I needed some pressure on my back and it helped so much!

This photo was taken less than 10 minutes before Fritz's birth. Notice the smile on my face? I don't remember what I was laughing about, but obviously I was still in good spirits (just not during a contraction):

I will admit that I spent A LOT of time checking my own cervix here at the end. I was just so curious what was going on in there and I couldn't believe how fast things were going. My fastest previous labor had been 6 hours and by this point, I was less than 3 hours in. I remember feeling like I needed to push, but finding a huge cervical lip there, but within a contraction I felt the baby move right past it. This is when I told everyone, "It's coming!" Joe ran to the next room to tell the kids that they could come in if they wanted and he turned on the video camera. I could feel soooooo much head RIGHT. THERE. We were relieved it was head since he had been doing so many flips up until the last few days. The kids came in and stood next to the birth pool on one side and made some jokes about how it could just be a hairy butt instead of a head. Awe, my babies, always good for cracking some jokes and keeping the mood light.

His head came out and I couldn't move my hands away from him even if I would have tried. My husband did not catch. He wouldn't have had the option, because I wasn't letting go of this baby :)
(I love catching babies!)

 Restitution and the shoulders are now out!

Ta da!! An entire person just came into the world!

I was SHOCKED that I just had a boy. I was absolutely certain I was having a girl. I had really felt connected with this little belly babe who I thought of as Clementine Josephine. Nope. I was wrong. I was surprised, but not disappointed. He was so pink and warm and squishy and AWESOME.

I was also so surprised to be holding a baby already! It had only been about 3 hours from the time my water broke until this person was in my arms. I guess I had done so much prep-work in the weeks leading up to this moment that there wasn't much left to do.

Sorry for the quality of a few of these pictures, our camera was set on "low light." This is the point where Owen declared that he was, "So excited I could pee my pants!"

They all were pretty amazed by their new brother. They were a little nervous to touch him at first and concerned about the "vomit" in the pool. I had to explain that it was VERNIX, not vomit.

I birthed the placenta and then made my way over to the couch which Joe had made up with sheets since our bed was up the stairs. I crashed here as did Edie :)

Quick newborn exam to show how healthy and lovely he was. 8lb 6oz, my 2nd biggest baby. Amelia was comparing her pinkie fingers to his :)

Just a quick picture to show how clean waterbirth often is. Look, not a single drop of blood in this water.

Joe is such a sucker for babies. It was really nice getting to see him cuddle with this little one who we had been waiting on for so long. We decided on the name Frederick Sullivan. Well, I decided ;) Joe wanted Sullivan (Sully), but I just really, really loved the name "Fritz".

It is just crazy to me that it has been a full year. He went from being that lovely 8lb 6oz baby boy to being... well, he is still pretty little at 18lbs :) I am just amazed by him and in awe that we get to have him in our family. All the children ADORE him and now I couldn't imagine what our lives would be like if he hadn't come along. He really does make the family feel so much more complete.

Happy birthday, Fritzy-pants!

Grad school must wait

This week was supposed to be the start of my first semester of grad school (for library and information sciences). I guess it was not meant to be. There were issues with my financial aid and I am in no position to go to school without student loans.

There was some disappointment that everything didn't fall into place, but mostly what I felt was... relief. I have friends who have piles of kids and are in grad school. I saw their posts come December when they were trying to prepare for Christmas AND finals. I did my undergrad while a parent to 3 kids and working, I remember how insanely difficult it is when your evenings do not belong to you and your family, but instead you are a slave to school work. Every spare moment is spent remembering deadlines and trying to stay organized so you don't miss out on anything. It is HARD.

The program I was accepted into seems quite difficult and demanding. I found a yahoo forum for students and most of them were saying that it is not possible to work and go to school at the same time; that 1 class at a time would be enough to ensure that I could never have a social life. And then I had to think about this little guy:

This kid does not let me take a shower. Right at this moment he is on my lap nursing and kicking the computer and picking my nose. I had thought he would be less demanding by now, but I do not know why I would think that. He will be a year old on Sunday and he is very needy when it comes to his mama. Just who he is. After talking it over with Joe, I realized that I would become resentful of his needs if I could not finish everything that I need to get done for school. It just is not the right time. If I wait until he is older and either in preschool or kindergarten, I will have so much uninterrupted time to study.

There is no rush. I have a career that I really do enjoy, so grad school was more for kicks anyhow. It is time for me to be patient with myself and my family and just "be" for a bit. Still, it is a challenge for me to not do everything that pops into my mind. It is a challenge for me to admit that sometimes I can't do it all and that I may have my limits. For today though, I am going to finish up some paperwork and take my kid to play group and be glad that I don't have any homework.

It is amateur hour over here

I am sometimes shocked by the stupid mistakes I make.... this is my 4th baby (and 2nd boy), some of these things I do just go completely against common sense. This morning is a prime example.

• Don't leave a baby boy uncovered in a cold house while you reach for a fresh diaper. He WILL pee all over you, himself, the couch, and the floor (mostly your foot).
• When he pees all over everyone and everything, don't put him in the bath if he hasn't completed his morning poo. The water is relaxing.
• When you manage to rush him from the tub to the toilet AND catch the morning poo in the toilet, give him another moment. Seriously.
• While you are patting yourself on the back about what an awesome catch that was and wondering where your swimsuit is and contemplating dinner, you should really pay attention to that funny face the baby (who you have put back in the tub) is making.
• You should never let a baby eat like 4 clementines. Ever.
• While disinfecting the tub, the baby WILL once again pee all over the floor..... and your foot. Just a little bit. It is cold out of the tub.
• When you are being a real genius and decide to shower off with the baby because you are (still) covered with pee, he was sitting in poop water, and now the tub is disinfected, know that those clementines may STILL be at work in his digestive system.
• After crying a bit, and scrubbing yourself with soap about 15 times, one would think you are safe to get out, get dried, and get dressed. One would be wrong.
• Remember, at this time, to DIAPER the baby before dressing yourself. You forgot? And you put a naked, wet, cold baby on your bed while you were getting dressed? Did you forget that he nursed for 2 hours straight this morning? His supplies are ENDLESS. You will now be washing the bedding.
• You no longer need to worry about your swimsuit. No water aerobics for you. Change the bed, wash the sheets, and try to remember this lesson for the next time.

Let's have an honest chat

It isn't a huge secret that I have lost weight over the last few years. Anyone with access to my Facebook photos can see this change that has occurred. I am not about to discuss the "how" to lose weight. There are MANY varied options and I couldn't tell you what the right choice is for you and your situation. Heck, it is hard for me to find the right path for myself. This drawn out thought is more about what happens after the weight loss.

With the new year comes many, many, many commercials prompting people to lose weight. These commercials promise you a whole new life, happiness, joy, and sex appeal. They are trying to make money off you. Keep that in mind. I will happily share with you what things have changed about my life with weight loss vs. what has stayed exactly the same.

What has stayed the same:

1. My happiness level. I was content before and I am content now. Losing weight will not fix all that is wrong with your life. 
2. How much I love myself. I never was filled with self-hared when I was fat. If you hate yourself when fat, you will still hate yourself even as you lose weight. Find a way to love yourself regardless of what size you are.
3. My romantic life. Have a partner who ridicules you about your size? It isn't you, it is them. They will still be a jerk after you lose weight. My husband has loved me and been attracted to me when I was 130lbs up to 256lbs and back down again. Our relationship has not changed. Well, I guess with the exception that I am often trying to force him to go for a run with me now.
4. My energy level. I know I am supposed to say that I have so much more energy, but I have always had quite a bit of kick in my step. I haven't really noticed it change. It isn't as if I was some lazy slug before and suddenly now I am taking on the world. I have been taking on the world since 1980 :)
5. My attractiveness. Haha! Ok, I know this is in the eye of the beholder, but please, I was a hot piece back then and I still am ;)  (see what I am saying? I have been full of myself regardless of size)
6. I still have arthritis in my joints. Sure, they feel a bit better with less of me to support, but my knees and hands are still achey and stiff each cold morning. 
7. Who I am. I am not a "whole new me" or anything like that. I am just the same old me. I really don't feel that my personality has changed at all. People's perceptions of me may have changed, but who I am putting out there is really quite the same.

What has changed:

1. I look worse naked. No, really. Lose 130+lbs and you will see what I mean. It isn't pretty. I need to wear Spanx more now then I did back when I was heavy. Skin galore. I am saving up for a tummy tuck and breast lift. If you saw me naked, I promise you would kick $100 into my savings fund. I don't hate my body, but I am just sharing with you that Megan Fox was not hiding under the adipose tissue.
2. My cholesterol levels! Hells yeah! I have normal cholesterol levels, which is THRILLING to me. I get giddy whenever I get my levels checked now. Joe told me it would be an overkill to frame my blood work. I am also not pre-diabetic now :)
3. My ability to do physical activities. I have become more physically fit, but that isn't just magic weight loss, that is also being active and building my activity level. I never was ashamed of my weight or let it stop me from going swimming or whatever, but it is much easier to now go running, hiking, etc. I can also easily do things like go sledding with my kids. This won't be different for everyone, though! There are heavy people who can run marathons, people! 
4. How I eat and how I watch the scale. I have to eat very differently now and I have to watch myself like a hawk. In my mind, I really had imagined that once I hit my goal weight, that I would be able to just live easily without ever having to worry about the scale again. That is exactly the opposite of true. Maintaining my weight is HARD. If I don't weigh myself daily then I start to creep up a bit. Every time my weight begins to creep, then I have to start all over again with logging and weighing every bite of everything I consume to see where my problem foods are so I can cut them out. 
5. How strangers treat me. It is bizarre, but strangers tend to be nicer to me now. And it isn't because I am suddenly a more outgoing person or smiling more or whatever. It is, I believe, because we live in a fat-phobic society. Now, people open doors for me (Joe tells me that move is all about trying to look at the person's behind, but it happens even when I am wearing a winter parka). It is weird and still taking some getting used to. And it makes me a bit angry. I was a worthy person before. I am not suddenly more worthy of kindness just because I am smaller.
6. Clothes are cheaper. Shopping is not actually more fun though because, with all the extra skin, clothes tend to fit weird. Still, I am happy to not be giving 1/2 my annual income to Lane Bryant anymore. $14.50 for knickers.... Lane Bryant, you should be ashamed.

I guess the take away message that I want people to have is that you should love yourself regardless of your size. Losing weight is not some magic cure-all to all that is wrong with your life. Chase your health rather than a certain jean size. Don't let those stupid commercials and infomercials make you feel like you are any less than amazing.

Appreciating where I am at

Joe and I have spent a whole lot of time moving and trying different places on for size. I have spent a few years trying to convince him that we should head warmer. My dream location is New Mexico. He is quite settled in Minnesota. I am learning to embrace this. Why always be looking for the greener patch of grass when ours isn't too shabby?

I feel like one of the ways to make Minnesota survivable is to find things to do during the LONG winter. I am not a snowmobiler or ice fisherman. Downhill skiing scares the poop out of me. So, I found myself wishing for cross country skis or snowshoes. Skis are a little spendy, so I settled on snowshoes. These are fun!!! I can see myself doing this more.

I went and trudged around behind the college in town on the trails and just enjoyed. It was chilly out, weather.com says that the temp felt like 8 degrees during the time I was out. I guess that would explain why my fingers were numb.

I saw a few people out skiing and even one person hiking through the snow. I guess we were all out to enjoy the same scenery.

Just a few months ago I was running along this same trail with my jogging stroller and Fritz was fast asleep under a blanket. Today, I left him at home.

It was quiet and peaceful. Not much for wildlife this time of year. It is as if everything is asleep. that doesn't detract from the beauty, instead it reminds me of checking on a sleeping child.... they look angelic and extra lovely when they are asleep and you just know that there will be a party when they finally wake. Spring will be a blast.

While I was pondering all of this, it happened. That zen moment that I chase while doing any sort of workout. My brain went quiet and my body was moving forward and I felt nothing other than light and free and I thought of nothing other than just movement. I could hear my feet crunching the snow and my breath (yeah, I was breathing hard), but these sounds were comforting and almost like white noise in the background. I LOVE when this happens. I will spend the next 20 workouts looking for that same sort of feeling again. Best meditation ever.

My office has a door!

I have been needing a door on my office since we moved in this joint. I have tried very hard to schedule most appointments for the daytime when everyone else is gone at school/work so that we have privacy. Now, that won't matter as much! The doorway is quite wide, but not quite double, so it was going to be difficult to fit it with a door or with french doors. Then, on Pinterest, I saw the sliding barn door! BINGO! We finally built one (and by we, I mean Joe did most of it and I just helped with the heavy lifting).

We used 8 foot long car siding to build the door. Joe fastened 7 of them together and put supports on the back side of it. Then he had to trim it up quite a bit because we live in a short-person-house.

We got the sliding track and hardware from the local farm store.

Ta-da!!!! Privacy in my office is now a possibility!!! We plan on adding a handle and a latch, but I am thrilled with it for now. We are also going to live with it for a bit before deciding if we should paint, stain, distress, or just leave the wood how it is.

 Edie was very excited to be the first to actually use the door :)

This also can count towards my New Years Resolution to complete 5 pinterest projects this year :)

ETA: This entire project was only about $150. Not too shabby!

2012 really was one of those years

I remember saying much earlier in the year that I felt that 2012 would be one of those years we would look back on and say, "Holy guacamole! A lot happened that year!" It was a life changing year. It was filled with blessings as well as struggles. It was anything other than boring.

• We added a new child in early 2012. This child was such a bonus. We had tried for a few years without any success to get a forth. We finally accepted the fact that our family was complete and we were prepared to make that permanent when we found out that he was on the way! So, in January we welcomed this sweet little man into our arms and our family. Now, finally, our family feels complete (I would love one more, but I am not going to win that argument). Fritz has just brought so much love and fun into our home. The kids adore him and he adores them. We enjoy each "baby trick" he learns and they remind us of how awesome our other kids are and how cute they were when they were doing the same things. We just appreciate him so much.
• We bought a house. We moved for the 15th time into a crazy fixer-upper and began to work on it. We found this home when Fritz was 5 days old. My first time leaving the house after his birth was to look at this house and then get bagels :) This process included a crazy 203(k) loan which had a built in budget for home renovations and then the house had to meet HUD standards as well. It was a headache and lots of paperwork for everyone involved from the inspector, us, finances, and the contractor. I am thankful everyone stuck it out with us through the entire process. We have done so much work! There is so much more to do! There have been a few moments where I have wondered what we were thinking and thought about how nice it would have been to purchase new construction, but then we send off our mortgage payment and I am reminded how awesome it is to have a fixer-upper :) 
• Joe started a new job. This was such a good move for him. His last job was a good job, but I wasn't a fan of him being on the road so much. When the road conditions were bad, I was so afraid that he would get into an accident. He drove A LOT. He also was on-call every third week and was very difficult for 2 of us to be on-call at the same time. He got a job that he had been hoping to get since the time we moved to the area, which is doing IT in an education setting. Our benefits are better, the pay is better, no on-call time, and he only drives 12 miles from home each day for work. If the roads are bad, school is canceled and he gets to stay at home. 
• I have reaffirmed my love for my work. There was a period of time this year where I felt done with my job. It can be really demanding and stressful at times. I declared a few times to my husband that I was quitting and I was serious this time! I don't know what the shift was, but it happened and I am still here and in it for the long haul. I won't be walking away anytime real soon. 

I feel like this year has been so full of ups and downs and general craziness. I am ready for 2013 to begin and am hopeful for a more boring year just filled with just "being" rather than "changing."