Grad school must wait

This week was supposed to be the start of my first semester of grad school (for library and information sciences). I guess it was not meant to be. There were issues with my financial aid and I am in no position to go to school without student loans.

There was some disappointment that everything didn't fall into place, but mostly what I felt was... relief. I have friends who have piles of kids and are in grad school. I saw their posts come December when they were trying to prepare for Christmas AND finals. I did my undergrad while a parent to 3 kids and working, I remember how insanely difficult it is when your evenings do not belong to you and your family, but instead you are a slave to school work. Every spare moment is spent remembering deadlines and trying to stay organized so you don't miss out on anything. It is HARD.

The program I was accepted into seems quite difficult and demanding. I found a yahoo forum for students and most of them were saying that it is not possible to work and go to school at the same time; that 1 class at a time would be enough to ensure that I could never have a social life. And then I had to think about this little guy:

This kid does not let me take a shower. Right at this moment he is on my lap nursing and kicking the computer and picking my nose. I had thought he would be less demanding by now, but I do not know why I would think that. He will be a year old on Sunday and he is very needy when it comes to his mama. Just who he is. After talking it over with Joe, I realized that I would become resentful of his needs if I could not finish everything that I need to get done for school. It just is not the right time. If I wait until he is older and either in preschool or kindergarten, I will have so much uninterrupted time to study.

There is no rush. I have a career that I really do enjoy, so grad school was more for kicks anyhow. It is time for me to be patient with myself and my family and just "be" for a bit. Still, it is a challenge for me to not do everything that pops into my mind. It is a challenge for me to admit that sometimes I can't do it all and that I may have my limits. For today though, I am going to finish up some paperwork and take my kid to play group and be glad that I don't have any homework.