Recipe and training plan

I have been craving chocolate like CRAZY. I try very hard to not eat sugar. Sugar is my kryptonite. If I eat a wee bit of sugar then suddenly I am eating cake for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, 1st lunch, 2nd lunch, afternoon snack, etc. If I stay away from it, I do much better. Now, me not eating sugar also means I do not do maple syrup, honey, agave, or any other sweetener that is still filled with calories. I do not do sugar alcohols either as they mess with my tummy in a very gross and stinky sort of way. I do, however, consume a lot of Splenda. More than I should. You have been forewarned that this recipe contains Splenda. If you want to make it and use something else to sweeten it, go for it! :)

I found a brownie recipe that seemed decently healthy! It uses Splenda, but it also uses primarily black beans and eggs. Here is where I found the original:
http://www.ohtastensee.com/2012/09/27/low-fat-sugar-free-black-bean-brownies/

I plugged their nutrition information in and there is NO way that is correct. Sorry. I was getting about 3x the number of calories when I plugged their ingredients in.


Now, here is how I adjusted it to fit my needs:
2 eggs
1/2 cup of egg whites or EggBeaters (to reduce from 4 eggs to 2)
1 TBSP of coconut oil
1 TBSP of unsweetened applesauce (this took place of 1/2 the oil)
1 can of black beans, rinsed (I also chose the lowest sodium I could find)
1 TBSP vanilla
3 TBSP cocoa powder
1/2 tsp of baking powder
sprinkle of sea salt
1 cup of Splenda

Then over the top I sprinkled PB2, which is a powdered peanut butter that ROCKS. It has WAY less fat/calories but a good peanut flavor.

I baked at 350 for 25 minutes.

When I did nutrition calculations on my above recipe using MyFitnessPal.com I got (for 1/16 of the recipe):
52 calories, 6 grams carbs, 2 grams fiber, 2 grams fat, 4 grams protein

Not too shabby! Certainly better then eating a real brownie for those trying to watch their calories. The carbs are coming from the beans and we could all use more beans in our lives.

So, the verdict on these: Eh. They are ok. The texture is very different from a brownie. It is more custard-y, bread pudding-ish. They are a little too sweet with not enough chocolate flavor. The flavor of the coconut really comes through, which is nice. I think next time I will also add some coffee since coffee tends to bring out the richness of chocolate. They won't go to waste. I will likely eat all of them while trying to convince myself that this is what brownies taste like.


And now for the exercise portion of my post:

I am working out my training plan currently for running.

I would like to try to fit in 4 runs a week. This will include 1 long run of hopefully 1 1/2 hours or more.  When the weather gets nice enough outside for me to switch to running outdoors then I will likely track distance again, but for now I am still focusing on time only. I also should be cross training 1-2 times a week. My goal is to get at least 5 hours of physical activity in per week, which really is not very much. We will see how this works with family and work and all those normal obligations that can make things difficult.

This last week I managed to run for 4 hours and 2 minutes and walked for 1 hour. I got 4 runs in with my longest run being for 1 hour and 37 minutes. I feel like this is all rather respectable. I am sure most people can figure out what this "training" is for, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying it out loud this early.

I also found some running shoes that I am in love with:
http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/Five-Fingers-Lontra-Womens.htm

I currently run in Bikilas, but the shoes above look so much warmer for this cold and snow! However, like most people, I don't have $150 just laying around for new shoes everytime the weather changes.

Happy Birthday Fritzy!!!

1 year ago today our sweet Frederick Sullivan was born! I think it is time I quickly write out his birth story before I forget it all :)

He was our baby who almost wasn't. We had decided after trying for a baby for a LONG time and not getting results to stop living our lives in that uncertain place of if we would or wouldn't have a baby come along. We decided it was time for a vasectomy and we would simply appreciate the family we already had while exploring adoption a bit more seriously. I found out just a few days after making this decision that we were already expecting. Thank you, Fritz, for slipping in there :)

I won't bore you with discussion on 9 months of pregnancy. Just know that I don't do pregnancy well. I was really sick. I lost 13lbs in my first trimester and felt like garbage. My body ached as I got further along and then I spent the last month of my pregnancy with a weird pinched nerve that made me nearly bed-ridden. Anytime that I really wish for another pregnancy, I just have to remind myself of that excruciating pain that would drop me to the floor and suddenly I am kind of over it. However, I really still did cherish and enjoy growing this tiny baby in my body who I was sure was my next little girl. While I don't do pregnancy well, I always appreciate the curves of my body while pregnant. I will never look better naked then I do when pregnant.
Here I am at 38 weeks:

1 week after my due date I was achy and cranky, like every other day. I went up to St Louis Park to a meeting for midwives being held in a birth center. There were a few jokes about how well they could take care of me if I went into labor and I joked back that I couldn't afford the fee for 15 midwives and the facility fee of the birth center. Throughout the meeting I was getting more and more uncomfortable and wiggly in my chair. A few times I got just flushed. I had been contracting for WEEKS, so those meant nothing to me. Finally, the meeting was over and I was relieved because my back really hurt.

On my way home from the meeting, I called my husband and joked around, "I am having contractions every 3-4 minutes, should we have a baby today?" Again, I had been having regular bouts of contractions like this for weeks, so it was really a joke. I stopped off for some food to bring home and then finished my drive. I got home and shared some chicken nachos with Joe, greeted the kids coming home from school and looked over their report cards. I then took a shower (where I checked my cervix again... yep, still 5-6cm... why wasn't this baby coming???) and after my shower I collapsed on the bed. I was exhausted. Joe, at this point, got a call from his boss asking him if he would run a call 2 hours from home and I begged him not to; I was feeling needy and just didn't want him to go so far from home. Thankfully, he told his boss we had plans and he left the room. Shortly after this, while laying on the bed, there was amniotic fluid gushing everywhere. GUSHING. I sent Edie to get my doppler so I could listen to the baby and figured it would be good for Joe to call our midwife and let her know :)

Labor started immediately. Well, labor had really started weeks in advance, but things were very active very quickly after my water breaking. Joe worked on setting up the pool downstairs and I just hung out in our room either alone or with Edie. Every so often she would lift up my towel and announce that the baby wasn't coming out yet. Just in case I wouldn't know. Contractions were hard, like really hard, so Joe asked if we should call Rachel to start her hour drive to us. I didn't think so, but he was smart and could see that I was hiding behind our bed and clearly in labor land and doing a slight grunt-push with the peak of each contraction, so he called her anyhow.

Fortunately, the pool was ready to get in, so I could stop leaking puddles of amniotic fluid all over the power strips in our bedroom (seriously, I could have electrocuted myself with this move). Joe had the space all set up with some candles and music and the warm pool, which was far TOO warm, so I had to sit on the yoga ball while he put cold water in the pool. I climbed in just a few moments before Rachel arrived and it felt really good. When Rachel arrived I remember saying to her, "I am not having any fun!!!" and since she is a sweet friend and a good midwife, she simply said, "I know." Labor was hard and I felt so much pressure with my contractions.

This was only a few moments before his birth. Rachel seemed to just know that I needed some pressure on my back and it helped so much!

This photo was taken less than 10 minutes before Fritz's birth. Notice the smile on my face? I don't remember what I was laughing about, but obviously I was still in good spirits (just not during a contraction):

I will admit that I spent A LOT of time checking my own cervix here at the end. I was just so curious what was going on in there and I couldn't believe how fast things were going. My fastest previous labor had been 6 hours and by this point, I was less than 3 hours in. I remember feeling like I needed to push, but finding a huge cervical lip there, but within a contraction I felt the baby move right past it. This is when I told everyone, "It's coming!" Joe ran to the next room to tell the kids that they could come in if they wanted and he turned on the video camera. I could feel soooooo much head RIGHT. THERE. We were relieved it was head since he had been doing so many flips up until the last few days. The kids came in and stood next to the birth pool on one side and made some jokes about how it could just be a hairy butt instead of a head. Awe, my babies, always good for cracking some jokes and keeping the mood light.

His head came out and I couldn't move my hands away from him even if I would have tried. My husband did not catch. He wouldn't have had the option, because I wasn't letting go of this baby :)
(I love catching babies!)

 Restitution and the shoulders are now out!

Ta da!! An entire person just came into the world!

I was SHOCKED that I just had a boy. I was absolutely certain I was having a girl. I had really felt connected with this little belly babe who I thought of as Clementine Josephine. Nope. I was wrong. I was surprised, but not disappointed. He was so pink and warm and squishy and AWESOME.

I was also so surprised to be holding a baby already! It had only been about 3 hours from the time my water broke until this person was in my arms. I guess I had done so much prep-work in the weeks leading up to this moment that there wasn't much left to do.

Sorry for the quality of a few of these pictures, our camera was set on "low light." This is the point where Owen declared that he was, "So excited I could pee my pants!"

They all were pretty amazed by their new brother. They were a little nervous to touch him at first and concerned about the "vomit" in the pool. I had to explain that it was VERNIX, not vomit.

I birthed the placenta and then made my way over to the couch which Joe had made up with sheets since our bed was up the stairs. I crashed here as did Edie :)

Quick newborn exam to show how healthy and lovely he was. 8lb 6oz, my 2nd biggest baby. Amelia was comparing her pinkie fingers to his :)

Just a quick picture to show how clean waterbirth often is. Look, not a single drop of blood in this water.

Joe is such a sucker for babies. It was really nice getting to see him cuddle with this little one who we had been waiting on for so long. We decided on the name Frederick Sullivan. Well, I decided ;) Joe wanted Sullivan (Sully), but I just really, really loved the name "Fritz".

It is just crazy to me that it has been a full year. He went from being that lovely 8lb 6oz baby boy to being... well, he is still pretty little at 18lbs :) I am just amazed by him and in awe that we get to have him in our family. All the children ADORE him and now I couldn't imagine what our lives would be like if he hadn't come along. He really does make the family feel so much more complete.

Happy birthday, Fritzy-pants!

Grad school must wait

This week was supposed to be the start of my first semester of grad school (for library and information sciences). I guess it was not meant to be. There were issues with my financial aid and I am in no position to go to school without student loans.

There was some disappointment that everything didn't fall into place, but mostly what I felt was... relief. I have friends who have piles of kids and are in grad school. I saw their posts come December when they were trying to prepare for Christmas AND finals. I did my undergrad while a parent to 3 kids and working, I remember how insanely difficult it is when your evenings do not belong to you and your family, but instead you are a slave to school work. Every spare moment is spent remembering deadlines and trying to stay organized so you don't miss out on anything. It is HARD.

The program I was accepted into seems quite difficult and demanding. I found a yahoo forum for students and most of them were saying that it is not possible to work and go to school at the same time; that 1 class at a time would be enough to ensure that I could never have a social life. And then I had to think about this little guy:

This kid does not let me take a shower. Right at this moment he is on my lap nursing and kicking the computer and picking my nose. I had thought he would be less demanding by now, but I do not know why I would think that. He will be a year old on Sunday and he is very needy when it comes to his mama. Just who he is. After talking it over with Joe, I realized that I would become resentful of his needs if I could not finish everything that I need to get done for school. It just is not the right time. If I wait until he is older and either in preschool or kindergarten, I will have so much uninterrupted time to study.

There is no rush. I have a career that I really do enjoy, so grad school was more for kicks anyhow. It is time for me to be patient with myself and my family and just "be" for a bit. Still, it is a challenge for me to not do everything that pops into my mind. It is a challenge for me to admit that sometimes I can't do it all and that I may have my limits. For today though, I am going to finish up some paperwork and take my kid to play group and be glad that I don't have any homework.

It is amateur hour over here

I am sometimes shocked by the stupid mistakes I make.... this is my 4th baby (and 2nd boy), some of these things I do just go completely against common sense. This morning is a prime example.

• Don't leave a baby boy uncovered in a cold house while you reach for a fresh diaper. He WILL pee all over you, himself, the couch, and the floor (mostly your foot).
• When he pees all over everyone and everything, don't put him in the bath if he hasn't completed his morning poo. The water is relaxing.
• When you manage to rush him from the tub to the toilet AND catch the morning poo in the toilet, give him another moment. Seriously.
• While you are patting yourself on the back about what an awesome catch that was and wondering where your swimsuit is and contemplating dinner, you should really pay attention to that funny face the baby (who you have put back in the tub) is making.
• You should never let a baby eat like 4 clementines. Ever.
• While disinfecting the tub, the baby WILL once again pee all over the floor..... and your foot. Just a little bit. It is cold out of the tub.
• When you are being a real genius and decide to shower off with the baby because you are (still) covered with pee, he was sitting in poop water, and now the tub is disinfected, know that those clementines may STILL be at work in his digestive system.
• After crying a bit, and scrubbing yourself with soap about 15 times, one would think you are safe to get out, get dried, and get dressed. One would be wrong.
• Remember, at this time, to DIAPER the baby before dressing yourself. You forgot? And you put a naked, wet, cold baby on your bed while you were getting dressed? Did you forget that he nursed for 2 hours straight this morning? His supplies are ENDLESS. You will now be washing the bedding.
• You no longer need to worry about your swimsuit. No water aerobics for you. Change the bed, wash the sheets, and try to remember this lesson for the next time.

Let's have an honest chat

It isn't a huge secret that I have lost weight over the last few years. Anyone with access to my Facebook photos can see this change that has occurred. I am not about to discuss the "how" to lose weight. There are MANY varied options and I couldn't tell you what the right choice is for you and your situation. Heck, it is hard for me to find the right path for myself. This drawn out thought is more about what happens after the weight loss.

With the new year comes many, many, many commercials prompting people to lose weight. These commercials promise you a whole new life, happiness, joy, and sex appeal. They are trying to make money off you. Keep that in mind. I will happily share with you what things have changed about my life with weight loss vs. what has stayed exactly the same.

What has stayed the same:

1. My happiness level. I was content before and I am content now. Losing weight will not fix all that is wrong with your life. 
2. How much I love myself. I never was filled with self-hared when I was fat. If you hate yourself when fat, you will still hate yourself even as you lose weight. Find a way to love yourself regardless of what size you are.
3. My romantic life. Have a partner who ridicules you about your size? It isn't you, it is them. They will still be a jerk after you lose weight. My husband has loved me and been attracted to me when I was 130lbs up to 256lbs and back down again. Our relationship has not changed. Well, I guess with the exception that I am often trying to force him to go for a run with me now.
4. My energy level. I know I am supposed to say that I have so much more energy, but I have always had quite a bit of kick in my step. I haven't really noticed it change. It isn't as if I was some lazy slug before and suddenly now I am taking on the world. I have been taking on the world since 1980 :)
5. My attractiveness. Haha! Ok, I know this is in the eye of the beholder, but please, I was a hot piece back then and I still am ;)  (see what I am saying? I have been full of myself regardless of size)
6. I still have arthritis in my joints. Sure, they feel a bit better with less of me to support, but my knees and hands are still achey and stiff each cold morning. 
7. Who I am. I am not a "whole new me" or anything like that. I am just the same old me. I really don't feel that my personality has changed at all. People's perceptions of me may have changed, but who I am putting out there is really quite the same.

What has changed:

1. I look worse naked. No, really. Lose 130+lbs and you will see what I mean. It isn't pretty. I need to wear Spanx more now then I did back when I was heavy. Skin galore. I am saving up for a tummy tuck and breast lift. If you saw me naked, I promise you would kick $100 into my savings fund. I don't hate my body, but I am just sharing with you that Megan Fox was not hiding under the adipose tissue.
2. My cholesterol levels! Hells yeah! I have normal cholesterol levels, which is THRILLING to me. I get giddy whenever I get my levels checked now. Joe told me it would be an overkill to frame my blood work. I am also not pre-diabetic now :)
3. My ability to do physical activities. I have become more physically fit, but that isn't just magic weight loss, that is also being active and building my activity level. I never was ashamed of my weight or let it stop me from going swimming or whatever, but it is much easier to now go running, hiking, etc. I can also easily do things like go sledding with my kids. This won't be different for everyone, though! There are heavy people who can run marathons, people! 
4. How I eat and how I watch the scale. I have to eat very differently now and I have to watch myself like a hawk. In my mind, I really had imagined that once I hit my goal weight, that I would be able to just live easily without ever having to worry about the scale again. That is exactly the opposite of true. Maintaining my weight is HARD. If I don't weigh myself daily then I start to creep up a bit. Every time my weight begins to creep, then I have to start all over again with logging and weighing every bite of everything I consume to see where my problem foods are so I can cut them out. 
5. How strangers treat me. It is bizarre, but strangers tend to be nicer to me now. And it isn't because I am suddenly a more outgoing person or smiling more or whatever. It is, I believe, because we live in a fat-phobic society. Now, people open doors for me (Joe tells me that move is all about trying to look at the person's behind, but it happens even when I am wearing a winter parka). It is weird and still taking some getting used to. And it makes me a bit angry. I was a worthy person before. I am not suddenly more worthy of kindness just because I am smaller.
6. Clothes are cheaper. Shopping is not actually more fun though because, with all the extra skin, clothes tend to fit weird. Still, I am happy to not be giving 1/2 my annual income to Lane Bryant anymore. $14.50 for knickers.... Lane Bryant, you should be ashamed.

I guess the take away message that I want people to have is that you should love yourself regardless of your size. Losing weight is not some magic cure-all to all that is wrong with your life. Chase your health rather than a certain jean size. Don't let those stupid commercials and infomercials make you feel like you are any less than amazing.

Appreciating where I am at

Joe and I have spent a whole lot of time moving and trying different places on for size. I have spent a few years trying to convince him that we should head warmer. My dream location is New Mexico. He is quite settled in Minnesota. I am learning to embrace this. Why always be looking for the greener patch of grass when ours isn't too shabby?

I feel like one of the ways to make Minnesota survivable is to find things to do during the LONG winter. I am not a snowmobiler or ice fisherman. Downhill skiing scares the poop out of me. So, I found myself wishing for cross country skis or snowshoes. Skis are a little spendy, so I settled on snowshoes. These are fun!!! I can see myself doing this more.

I went and trudged around behind the college in town on the trails and just enjoyed. It was chilly out, weather.com says that the temp felt like 8 degrees during the time I was out. I guess that would explain why my fingers were numb.

I saw a few people out skiing and even one person hiking through the snow. I guess we were all out to enjoy the same scenery.

Just a few months ago I was running along this same trail with my jogging stroller and Fritz was fast asleep under a blanket. Today, I left him at home.

It was quiet and peaceful. Not much for wildlife this time of year. It is as if everything is asleep. that doesn't detract from the beauty, instead it reminds me of checking on a sleeping child.... they look angelic and extra lovely when they are asleep and you just know that there will be a party when they finally wake. Spring will be a blast.

While I was pondering all of this, it happened. That zen moment that I chase while doing any sort of workout. My brain went quiet and my body was moving forward and I felt nothing other than light and free and I thought of nothing other than just movement. I could hear my feet crunching the snow and my breath (yeah, I was breathing hard), but these sounds were comforting and almost like white noise in the background. I LOVE when this happens. I will spend the next 20 workouts looking for that same sort of feeling again. Best meditation ever.

My office has a door!

I have been needing a door on my office since we moved in this joint. I have tried very hard to schedule most appointments for the daytime when everyone else is gone at school/work so that we have privacy. Now, that won't matter as much! The doorway is quite wide, but not quite double, so it was going to be difficult to fit it with a door or with french doors. Then, on Pinterest, I saw the sliding barn door! BINGO! We finally built one (and by we, I mean Joe did most of it and I just helped with the heavy lifting).

We used 8 foot long car siding to build the door. Joe fastened 7 of them together and put supports on the back side of it. Then he had to trim it up quite a bit because we live in a short-person-house.

We got the sliding track and hardware from the local farm store.

Ta-da!!!! Privacy in my office is now a possibility!!! We plan on adding a handle and a latch, but I am thrilled with it for now. We are also going to live with it for a bit before deciding if we should paint, stain, distress, or just leave the wood how it is.

 Edie was very excited to be the first to actually use the door :)

This also can count towards my New Years Resolution to complete 5 pinterest projects this year :)

ETA: This entire project was only about $150. Not too shabby!

2012 really was one of those years

I remember saying much earlier in the year that I felt that 2012 would be one of those years we would look back on and say, "Holy guacamole! A lot happened that year!" It was a life changing year. It was filled with blessings as well as struggles. It was anything other than boring.

• We added a new child in early 2012. This child was such a bonus. We had tried for a few years without any success to get a forth. We finally accepted the fact that our family was complete and we were prepared to make that permanent when we found out that he was on the way! So, in January we welcomed this sweet little man into our arms and our family. Now, finally, our family feels complete (I would love one more, but I am not going to win that argument). Fritz has just brought so much love and fun into our home. The kids adore him and he adores them. We enjoy each "baby trick" he learns and they remind us of how awesome our other kids are and how cute they were when they were doing the same things. We just appreciate him so much.
• We bought a house. We moved for the 15th time into a crazy fixer-upper and began to work on it. We found this home when Fritz was 5 days old. My first time leaving the house after his birth was to look at this house and then get bagels :) This process included a crazy 203(k) loan which had a built in budget for home renovations and then the house had to meet HUD standards as well. It was a headache and lots of paperwork for everyone involved from the inspector, us, finances, and the contractor. I am thankful everyone stuck it out with us through the entire process. We have done so much work! There is so much more to do! There have been a few moments where I have wondered what we were thinking and thought about how nice it would have been to purchase new construction, but then we send off our mortgage payment and I am reminded how awesome it is to have a fixer-upper :) 
• Joe started a new job. This was such a good move for him. His last job was a good job, but I wasn't a fan of him being on the road so much. When the road conditions were bad, I was so afraid that he would get into an accident. He drove A LOT. He also was on-call every third week and was very difficult for 2 of us to be on-call at the same time. He got a job that he had been hoping to get since the time we moved to the area, which is doing IT in an education setting. Our benefits are better, the pay is better, no on-call time, and he only drives 12 miles from home each day for work. If the roads are bad, school is canceled and he gets to stay at home. 
• I have reaffirmed my love for my work. There was a period of time this year where I felt done with my job. It can be really demanding and stressful at times. I declared a few times to my husband that I was quitting and I was serious this time! I don't know what the shift was, but it happened and I am still here and in it for the long haul. I won't be walking away anytime real soon. 

I feel like this year has been so full of ups and downs and general craziness. I am ready for 2013 to begin and am hopeful for a more boring year just filled with just "being" rather than "changing."