So glad Mother's Day is over!

Yesterday was a rough day. It was supposed to be a special, nice day and instead, my favorite part of the entire day was bedtime. Being a mom sometimes sucks.

I would first like to explain that Joe's back has been bothering him for a week. Then on Saturday we moved some heavy concrete. Sunday at 1am he woke up in horrible pain.... like bring a grown man to tears kind of pain. Fritz woke up at 1:30 and I couldn't get him back to sleep until 5am, something was bothering him and making him cry out and be really restless. So, I was going into the day pretty sleep deprived. I went back to bed at 6:30am and stayed there until 8:30am... grand total I got about 4.5 hours of sleep.

At 8:30am I got up because of the screaming fights coming from downstairs.... not because of the delightful crackle of bacon or the smell of fresh coffee. Joe couldn't make anything (stuck flat on his back on the couch), even though there had originally been a plan for breakfast in bed. My feelings were a bit hurt. Not because Joe couldn't do it, but because the kids didn't try to do anything. I had even told the kids the night before that I would accept leftover pizza for breakfast in bed. They decided they would rather play on their Kindles. No one wished me a happy Mother's Day. No one tried to figure out how to work the Kuerig to make me a quick cup of coffee. None of my kids gave a shit.

So, I did what I do nearly every morning. I did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up their breakfast dishes that they left laying about, nursed Fritz, changed Fritz, let out the dogs, fed the dogs, etc, etc, etc. I decided once everything was finished that I would take myself for a nice, long run. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, my marathon training plan required some attention. While my husband told me to go, my oldest child started yelling at me. I asked all the kids to help watch Fritz while I was gone since Joe couldn't move. She decided this was unfair as she wanted me to take her shopping. Keep in mind that I HATE shopping and we had never said that we would go shopping anywhere. She wanted colored pencils and she decided that riding her bike to the store in town wasn't good enough. She also decided that she could not wait until I got back from my run, but wanted to go right in the middle of when I was going to be gone. She was really mean about all of this. I cried my whole way down to where I was going to run.

My run was lovely, but slow. I was tired and worn down. I got home to find napping baby and Joe, so I just rested quietly. Once everyone discovered I was home, it was back to normal life. Kids fighting more and needing me to break up fights. Yelling at me for not breaking these fights up fairly. Telling me that I am a horrible parent. Thank you. That is just what every woman wants to hear on Mother's Day. By the time bedtime rolled around (which was 1.5 hours early for the one child who had been the meanest to me), I had been yelled at pretty much all day. I felt verbally abused. I had been told that I was hated at least 5 times, told I was a bad mom at least 3 times, and I am pretty sure at one point I heard someone say our youngest child's initials at me (which is a very, very bad thing), but I was too broken hearted to find out for sure.

Had Joe not been hurting so much, I would have left in the morning and not come back until they were all in bed. I would have found something to do by myself rather than be with crabby people who were getting their kicks from being mean to me. I was stuck, though. Had it not been Mother's Day, it would have just been a not-so-great day of cranky kids, but since it was supposed to be a day about showing appreciation, it stung extra. Many of my friends were getting lattes in bed or handmade cards or extra hugs. I was getting, "I HATE YOU!" Maybe my expectations were too high for the day. Whatever it was, I am glad that day is over. Now we can just go back to normal life.

Never more than we can handle?

Something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately is: does God really never give us more than we can handle?

This is something that is often said to people in horrible situations. Usually it is tossed about when there is a severe illness or big loss. People say it to try to give comfort to the person going through struggle. I don't know that it ever really helps. Is it even true? I tell you what.... if I am going through something horrendous and you tell me that I should have comfort because God will never give me more than I can handle, I will freakin cut you. I will unfriend you on Facebook, I will draw mustaches on every picture I can find of you. Just know, never say that shit to me.

I believe that people are regularly given more than they can handle. I don't know why it happens, but I believe that to be true. I believe that really NONE of us can handle certain things like a severe illness or injury in our children or the death of a loved one. However, as people, we get up and breathe each breath and try to live and get through the day. That is different than being able to handle it.

We are given far more sorrow in our lives then we are able to handle, but we are also given more joy. Do you remember that overwhelming joy when you looked at your child and realized they were your family for the first time? It may have happened at the moment at birth or adoption or maybe just a random Tuesday that you were staring at that tiny person and realized they were YOUR PERSON. My heart burst with more joy then it could possibly contain each of the 4 times that I accepted the new child into my family, my tribe. I couldn't handle all of that joy. Too much love. Too much joy. Too much everything.

Of course, the ying to the yang here is that sometimes we are given far more sorrow then we can actually handle. That is ok. Lean on your friends and loved ones. You need to get up and breathe in and out all day long, and that may be all you can actually handle for the day. That does not mean you are failing in any way. It simply means that God does, very regularly, give people more than what they can actually handle.

I don't pretend to understand why bad things happen to good people. All I know is that if you are one of my people and going through a horrible time, I will love you completely and totally. I will try to help in what ways that I can. I also will have no judgment if you need some space to completely fall apart. I don't believe for an instant that God won't give you more than you can handle, but I do believe that you have friends and family who love you and will try their damnedest to hold you up during the worst of the worst.

The end of an era

Today marks the end of our baby-making and having era. Joe got the vasectomy he has been dreaming of for years :) He is quite content. I am quite brokenhearted. I only share this because it is real and honest and the sorts of decisions that many relationships face.

I was asked recently why it was that I was ok with a vasectomy before Fritz came along and suddenly was not. To be honest, Fritz came about after a few years of unexplained fertility issues. We tried for years to have another baby and nothing happened. We finally decided on a vasectomy because I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't spend each month wondering if it would be the month that I would get pregnant. I could look ahead in the future and think, "hey maybe I should register for that conference..... or maybe I will be pregnant!" I couldn't live in limbo anymore. It was time to just move on from the ghosts of all the babies I would never have. And then Fritz came along.

I had another baby, guys, and this has opened me back up to wanting more. Originally I wanted like a bajillion kids. I got pregnant and my heart melted and anything seemed possible again. Maybe I could have that bajillion kids afterall  or 5-10 of them. For Joe, Fritz coming along had the opposite effect. It made him feel content and finished. He knew for certain he was DONE DONE DONE having kids. 4 is it.

We discussed the crap out of it. Basically, Joe wanted me to agree with him that I felt done too and I wanted to find a way to talk him into at least 1 more. No dice either way. How can I say that I don't want to have that baby, the next one in line, the one that I am sure is meant to be in my arms? Yet,  how can I demand my husband help me make a baby he has no interest in having or raising? This is a situation that has no winners.

Joe and I met nearly 14 years ago. We get along really well. I respect him and I can respect the choices he has made about his reproductive health. They may not be the same choices I would make, but I can't blame him for being honest about being DONE. Even if we would have delayed the vasectomy until I felt more ready, it really would have just been me hoping to put off the vasectomy for long enough in hopes that I would get pregnant again during the wait time. That wouldn't be fair. Again, there are no winners here. Well, I would say that Joe won, but he is currently wearing a bag of frozen peas in his pants. We have spent most of the afternoon doing what we do best about stressful or hard situations, which is joke about it A LOT. Joe was saying some crazy stuff while half-naked on a table..... and on drugs. He makes me smile.

I am sure, in time, I will get to a place of content, but for tonight I will sit with a glass of wine and feel a little sorry for myself and a pretty big sense of loss knowing that our childbearing has come to an end.

Vote on how to decorate our stairs

I would love to hear input. I have big plans for our stairs that involve Modge Podge and awesome pictures put onto the kickplate of each stair. Trouble is, I am having a hard time deciding on a theme of awesomeness. What would you do? We are a fun, laid back kind of family. We take nothing seriously. With that in mind, here are some of the ideas:

1. awesome mullets
2. great facial hair of our time
3. comics- Archie and Jughead
4. cocktails
5. pictures of ridiculous foods
6. crazy birth art
7. pictures the kids make
8. sexy men who look like dirty hippies (yeah, that is a selfish one)
9. retro advertisements
10. pin-up girls
11. clowns (haha! Just kidding)
12. other?

Starting the next to-do list for the house

We have been on a major pause when it comes to the big work for our house. We are waiting for warmer weather for most of it. I am pretending that spring is just around the corner and working on the to-do list.

1. replace front door and frame it properly
2. build steps to the front door
3. create a walk way that extends from the door down to the street
4. new mailbox
5. take out the extra door in my office and put in a wall there instead, paint/side/all that good stuff
6. replace the kitchen counter
7. do a kitchen backsplash
8. Possibly a new kitchen sink?
9. change the kitchen drop tiles with fresh/clean ones
10. get the basement foundation evaluated to see where the leak is coming from and how sturdy the whole thing is or is not
11. insulate the area under the house where our bathroom pipes run and freeze
12. get crazy with some modge podge and our stairs
13. finish getting paint drips off the floor
14. finish touching up paint in a few places (girls' room, by the kitchen stairs)
15. paint my office a slightly darker color (this one is going to surprise Joe, but there you have it)
16. finish painting the trim/doors upstairs
17. get a full length door for the girls (they still have the duct tape Dutch door)
18. sew curtains for Owen's room, upstairs hallway, and kitchen windows
19. find a dresser to repurpose into an entertainment center so I can get rid of the horrendous one my husband picked out a few years ago (black glass.... seriously? Could anything be harder to clean?)
20. start laying out the big projects and look at financing for: windows, siding (insulation), and an addition.

We also need to do some serious work in the garden and yard. Lots of areas need to be leveled out and we need to be sure that the weeds don't take over this year. We want to get fruit trees put in, a garden started, and a few flowers placed. Not too many cause flowers aren't my thing. We also need to work on our garage. We need a new walk-through door on it. I would love to put a new garage door and paint it, but we might want to wait for new siding on the house to be sure we are all matchy-matchy first. 

Now here is the part of the post that will excite many of my friends with green thumbs! This is the plant portion. Here are my plans so far for trees and bushes (keep in mind we have 1/2 an acre):

1. 2 chestnut trees
2. 2 hazelnut trees
3. 1 North Star cherry tree
4. 3 apple trees- honey crisp, nova spy, and mcintosh
5. a bunch of Hansen Bush Cherries along the front of the property line
6. 2 plum trees- superior and an alderman
7. 1 peach tree- a reliance dwarf
8. 20 raspberry plants as a minimum
9. a strawberry bed
10. asparagus
11. a grape arbor 
12. secret honey bees
13. and of course, a regular garden with cucumbers, green beans, zucchini, tomatoes, basil, and some beets or something. We will start a bit small on this and extend it yearly. I don't have the best green thumb, so I really prefer trees to garden.

I love planning and thinking about these things. Then, of course, it is also fun to complete these projects and cross them off the list :)

Trying to get back on track, nutritionally speaking.

I seem to have fallen WAY off track with eating well. It was easy to do. In the early days of having Fritz I was burning tons of calories nursing him and then this summer I was usually walking to do all my errands, so I would walk 4 miles a day plus get in regular workouts too. It is winter now and cold out so I am not walking anywhere. Fritz still nurses a lot, but it seems that my body has figured this out and isn't burning quite as many calories doing it. Plus, the past 2 weeks he has really suddenly taken a liking to eating solids. I have gone from 123 in November to now about 131. Yep, 8lbs in a pretty short amount of time. It probably also has to do with being off call and perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe. All 8lbs is in my gut, a nice little beer belly... my own version of the Freshmen 15. So, I decided to do a post for complete and total accountability with what I am eating. I LOVE reading other people's posts with their diet diary for the day. I guess I am obsessed with food in that way. Sometimes, through logging, I am able to see exactly where I am doing well and where I need work.

Breakfast:
I drank a ton of coffee. My first cup of coffee for the day my lovely husband made for me and it tasted REALLY good, so I am assuming there was probably 2 oz of half and half instead of 1 oz. So, 3oz of half and half for the day.

Then I made a breakfast sandwich with a Flatout flatbread, egg beaters, piece of American cheese (ok, it is "cheese food" not real cheese, but it is delicious), and Canadian bacon. I ate 80% of it and was stuffed. Must be all the fiber in the flatbread.

Lunch #1: (did I mention that I eat a bazillion times a day?)

I got these yummy mini peppers and little fancy cucumbers. I am pairing them with a bit of reduced fat ranch dressing (making my own with greek yogurt would be even better, nutritionally) and an oz of turkey.

Lunch #2:

A client gave me fresh bread and strawberry jam. I had no choice but to eat a slice :)

Afternoon snack:

Venti skinny mocha (thank you, awesome husband, for bringing me happiness)

Dinner:

I made a turkey and cheese sandwich and grabbed a few chips, but I ended up not being all that hungry and eating only 1/3 of the sandwich and about 4 potato chips. Edie finished the rest quite happily.

Evening snack #1:

Protein shake made with 1% milk, Max protein powder, and a few cherries

Evening snack #2:

Apple and laughing cow cheese.

Between all this eating I got in two of these bad boys with herbal tea:

So, my nutritional stats for the day are: 1323 calories, 41 grams of fat, 87 grams protein, 23 grams of fiber

Not too shabby. I am still trying to find the right balance for my body.


I also managed to get in a run and another workout today. I REALLY wanted to eat food from Patrick's. Like a patty melt, beer battered cheese nuggets, and beer. I can often mentally justify these things to myself by telling myself that it is just a little treat and in moderation, but I have been indulging FAR too often and it is time to rein it in. I just wish raw veggies tasted as good as fried junkfood. And don't tell me that they do, I will just call you a big fibber.

My ode to fat-free strawberry cream cheese

Cream cheese, you are not.
You melt even when not hot.
You are runny and weird,
creating on my chin a little pink beard.

I thought you would be yummy,
Put on a bagel and sent to my expanding, soft tummy.
Without the delightful fat you are just kinda sad.
To be honest, you taste really, pretty bad.

If I hadn't gained 8 pounds this season,
I wouldn't have purchased you as I would have no reason.
I think I like my food either plain of full of yummy fat.
I can just burn off the extra calories on a yoga mat.