Just holding on for dear life

I try very hard to look for the positive and to always remind myself of how much worse things could be, but lately I have been a bit overwhelmed. This week has been hard. This month has been hard. There are days that I feel it has swallowed me whole. This month:

• Head gasket in my car went out, so we had to buy a new one, which while fun also means we have a 2nd car payment again
• Fritz has been teething and so I don't really sleep
• Fritz has been teething so he has been blowing out his diapers 1-2 times a day with poop that goes up his back and down to his knees
• He also likes to poop in the tub while I am cleaning him up
• I had to give up roller derby due to family conflicts
• We nearly blew ourselves up with our furnace and then had to spend a good chunk of change to get it fixed
• Kids have been on edge and fighting a ton
• Owen lost his glasses ($$$)
• I tried to get into a confrontation with a guy who thought it was funny to act as if he was going to run me over while I was out for a run. What was I thinking?
• I had to run Fritz to the ER when he got stung by a wasp while we were out for a walk.... his hand became very swollen and some of his fingers turned black. I am still waiting to see the bill for that one.
• We were supposed to be on a Disney vacation this past week. However, Joe started a new job less than 2 months ago and so he doesn't have the vacation time to do that. So, it kinda sucked to see this time come up on the calendar and here we are still at home.
• This week 3 of us got the stomach flu. Lots of vomit. My stomach muscles are still trying to recover.
• This week, child #3 proved to have a head full of little friends.
• This week, we found evidence of mice having parties after we go to bed.
• This week, child #4 found a mouse in a trap and was swinging it around by the tail and just having the best time with his new (dead) friend
• We failed our lead clearance test (I am certain that will cost us more $$$)
• We had a bat in the house
• We have had eleventy-bajillion wasps in the house
• Signs of my fertility returned, including a week of the WORST PMS EVER. But, I didn't realize it was PMS, I thought my family was just being a pile of asshats. Sorry, family.
• I appear to have developed an ulcer. So, I have had to reduce my coffee consumption, cut alcohol, and start drinking cabbage juice. Having a burning gut is not exactly a good time. 

There are just some months in life that are harder than others and I hope this is just one of those bumps along the way. Some months it would just be easier to roll with all of this stuff, but it is getting to me right now. I often find myself fantasizing about running away :) 

Here are the things I can be thankful for:

•  My car died on the way HOME from a birth rather than on my way out to one
• My new car is pretty awesome
• We have heat and did NOT blow ourselves up. I am very thankful for that.
• The wasps are starting to slow down as the weather gets colder and colder.
• Only 1 kid out of a family of 6 got head lice.
• That nasty PMS episode means that my family is not made up of a bunch of asshats, but are instead pretty awesome people who love me even when I am a hormonal monster.
• We caught a mouse.
• The bat was safely ushers out of the house without any bites or any need for rabies shots.
• Joe started that new job, which long term the benefits are soooo much better. We will miss this one vacation, but make up for it in many other ways.
• I am thankful to have the abilities to take my children to an ER when they have a scary reaction. There are people who do not have easy access to medicine.
• Sorry, I just can't think of anything to be thankful for on the ulcer side of things. This one just sucks. I am not at ALL happy to be giving up coffee and wine. I am not at ALL happy to be drinking cabbage juice 4 times a day. 

So, I am just holding on through this bumpy ride and reminding myself to reconsider all the "bad" things and turn them into good things. Life can suck. Sometimes, you can make life suck a little bit less by simply considering all the ways you are fortunate. I could focus on the bad or I could choose to focus on the good. I am trying, people, I am trying hard.

Creepy crawlies

There are times in the life of each person where the universe seems to be laying on the drama nice and thick. Of course, there are times that the universe layers on the good stuff too, but we often forget that or just think of that as normal life.

Last night, Joe was supposed to go out to the bar to play trivia with friends. I will admit, I am still a WEE bit pissy about that. Yes, he deserves to have fun. No, I don't think it is too much to ask that he get 1 night a week to do what he wants to do. HOWEVER, I had to give up my activity (that took up 1-2 nights a week) because it didn't work with our family. I often look at him with jealousy anyhow because that man gets to poop all by himself! I don't get to poop alone! I don't get to shower alone, eat alone, I don't get 15 minutes all by myself in the car, etc. So, I NEED an activity ALONE. OMG, yesterday I demanded a shower while everyone was home and that was the first time I had been alone for 10 minutes in over 2 days! And it didn't even last because the baby crawled to the bathroom door and stood, hitting it, and crying for me to come out. Anyhow, back to the story.... 20 minutes before Joe was set to leave and we were trying to get laundry folded. In walks Edie, scratching her head, talking about how itchy it was so I tell her to come over while I take a look........ <GASP, SHUDDER> yeah, you know what I found.

So, I had to inform my husband that there would be no trivia, but there would be laundry and a trip to the drug store in his future. There may have been a good amount of pouting. Followed by some Facebook time while his wife nagged him. However, he pulled it together and had to care for a cranky baby who only wanted me while I shampooed with that chemical stuff that will kill a person (mayo and a shower cap wasn't going to cut it.... this was BAD, guys) and then I spent nearly 3(!!!) hours combing her entire head out with the tiny little comb. Thankfully, it appears that only 1 child has lice. Everyone else was free and clear. Joe and Fritz folded a mountain of clean laundry during this 3 hours, so BONUS!

Now, this morning, we are still catching up on lice laundry and our washing machine starts acting up. Crap. We are a family of 6, so we already make a lot of laundry. We cloth diaper, we use cloth napkins, Fritz blows out his diapers 2-3x a day, he pukes on me another 2x a day, etc. Mix that with having to wash all jackets, towels, clothing, and bedding on hot RIGHT NOW to be sure we get rid of our tiny friends and I have no patience for a machine that is acting a fool. From what I read online, it might just be a sensor that Joe could easily fix. But, for this moment, there is a big pregnant pause in all our cleaning activities. yay.

It hasn't been an easy week between the stomach flu that came to visit, Edie bringing home her little friends, and now the washing machine. However, I am hopeful that things are going to turn around soon.

Monday Fitness Weekly Wrap-up (a day late)

I have to say, I like the sounds of "Fitness Fridays" better..... maybe I will switch to reporting on Fridays.

Anyhow, I have been going to the YMCA this past week. It is nice because there is childcare there for Fritz, so I can get a break every so often from this lovely boy. I went and swam laps twice, ran for a smidge on the treadmill (and then realized that I would rather not run at all then run on a treadmill, those things are sooooo boring), and took a few walks this week. Grand total I moved my body 6 miles and did almost 3 hours of exercise. I could have gotten more in, but we got the stomach flu on Friday in this house and it took all weekend to recover.

Also, the children had a long weekend home from school, which just threw off routine and made it hard to do anything. I took them swimming on Thursday, but swimming with kids is rarely actually swimming. It really involved me standing and bouncing and chatting with a friend while making sure no one ran or dunked or drown.

All in all, it just wasn't a very impressive week. Maybe this week will be better???

Where are the running posts???

I have been asked a few times by people what has happened to all my running Dailymile posts that I used to do. Unfortunately, I am just not logging very many miles by running right now. Prior to getting pregnant (and even during my pregnancy) there was a certain bliss that came from long runs. Going out for 90 minutes to run brought me an incredible zen-like joy, lots of endorphins, and I wouldn't even ache the next day. I seem to have lost that! Since Fritz was born, each run has made me tired, sore, achey, and not joy-like. I haven't been able to capture that blissful feeling.

I still remember one amazing run, shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I went up to the college and ran on their trails while contemplating the surprising news that we were going to have a new person joining us. I had a lot to think about. On the way home, which was downhill, I decided to run through people's yards rather than the sidewalk. I was in my barefoot shoes, Mumford and Sons pumping through my headphones, and I was flying down the hill through the grass. I felt like a kid. I got home and was so filled with JOY (you know, and endorphins getting me high as a kite). I want to feel THAT when I workout. I need to feel that in order to continue.

Today is the Mankato Marathon. I am cheering on all the people who are running (but from home as I am recovering from the flu), and I hope they are feeling that joy and bliss. I had been planning on running a marathon by now (Fox Cities Marathon back in September), but when I couldn't get that bliss to join me in my running shoes, I couldn't make myself do the long milage required for training. There is a big part of me that is jealous of those runners as this was a goal I had held out for myself, but it is simply not my time yet. I have faith that eventually I will find that rhythm again, where I run and feel like a kid and my brain goes quiet from all the worries and stresses of life.

In the meantime, I am experimenting with workouts. I have been walking a lot since Fritz enjoys that. I have also been hitting the YMCA for some lap swimming, which I suck at. I am looking at a few YMCA classes that I might give a try to.... cardio kickboxing and that sort of thing. Maybe I will give yoga another try. I have considered buying snow shoes and cross country skis for winter, maybe one of these other activities will help me find that same joy? Time will tell.

Why are you so cranky?

Yesterday, I scrubbed my house. I washed, dried, and folded 6 loads of laundry, I did the dishes, I bleached out the sink, I made pizza crust from scratch and got dinner on the table by 5:30PM, I vacuumed up the dead wasps in my home office, I picked up some of the trash outside on the yard, I took out the compost, I cleaned dog poop up out of my son's room, I lit incense to take care of the dog poop aroma, I bathed the baby, I cleaned up after the baby played in the toilet and got pee water all over the floor, I swept the stairs, I scrubbed the kitchen table, I got insurance billed for 1 client, I brought down all the dirty laundry from the bedrooms, and all of this was while caring for a baby who clings to my legs and screams at me because my breast is not in his mouth.

Would you like to know what followed?

"Oh, honey, the house looks great and it smells so good and I am very excited for this homemade pizza with from-scratch crust! Let me give you a foot rub and why don't you soak in the bath while I take the Girl Scout out for her door-to-door solicitations. And by the way, I can tell you went to the gym... you look amazing."

"Wow! Mom! Thanks for washing all our clothes so we have clean underwear! Thank you for cleaning up the dog poop. Dinner looks great! How can we help keep the house clean?"

"Mommy, I know I am a needy baby who demands to be nursed and snuggled 24/7 and I haven't been letting you sleep, but I just want you to know that you are the best mommy EVER!"

Umm.... yeah... no, this is the real world. Not one single person mentioned that the house looked nice or smelled nice. No one thanked me for the mountains of laundry I took care of. They did complain about needing to put them away. I am pretty sure my husband did not even notice that the house had been cleaned.... he asked me where the low mein noodle was that I was complaining about on Facebook.... dude, I cleaned it up. <sigh>

I did, however, get asked why I seemed so cranky.

Monday Fitness Weekly Wrap-Up

Mondays are the start of the new week on dailymile, so I tend to think of my workout week beginning on a Monday rather than a Sunday. This last week I logged 14.93 miles..... not too shabby, but I need to improve upon that! I spent 4 hours and 42 minutes getting these miles and there was only 1 run, the rest were walks. I didn't even walk in a weird, fast, hip-swinging way. It was just me out for a stroll with the baby.

Our walks were all lovely. It is getting crisp out there. I found my headphones (finally!) after losing them in the move. Fritz loves being in the stroller, so I have been trying to get him out in the fresh air almost daily. My run with Fritz was a little rough as we had a run-in with a driver who thought he was HILARIOUS, but I have let it go.

This week I would like to really try to get myself to the Y to work out. I haven't used my membership since I was pregnant (other than taking the kids swimming a few times), even though I continue to pay for it. The childcare there doesn't accept babies until they are 6 months old, so I had to wait. Fritz turned 6 months old over the summer, but then the hours of school age watch and younger kids weren't the same and the Pepsi cube (where big kids can play) wasn't open at the same time as the childcare and so, basically, it was impossible for me to go with all these children. Now with school back in session and the childcare hours being normal, I should either be able to go during the day when the bigs are all in school, or even after school if the bigs have their homework done.

I have been considering once a week making Amelia go to an aerobics class with me. Maybe Zumba. I am trying to find ways to make my kids more active. I want to help them find activities they don't mind doing. I figure exercise is NOT optional when it comes to health so I just want to help them find activities they enjoy doing. I actually have it as part of their daily chore charts. They must move their bodies for 20 minutes (minimum) each day after school. How they do it is up to them, but they can walk, jump on the trampoline, ride bike, go for a run, play at the park across the street, organize a game that involves running, etc. I plan on making a better effort once it gets cold outside of taking them to the pool to swim once or twice a week for their activity, but for now the weather has been holding.

Maybe I will try to make it to lap swim today. Of course, that will require enough shower time to shave and I am not sure if Fritz will allow for that. We will see what we can accomplish :)

Weight loss goals vs. delusions

I am finding myself torn lately about my goals when it comes to my weight. When I originally started this weight loss journey I figured I would be happy if I ever got to the point where I didn't need to shop at Lane Bryant anymore. Once that happened, then I figured if I could get to a normal BMI (136lbs or less) then that would be amazing. I had almost gotten there when I got pregnant. After having Fritz, I was immediately 131 lbs, which was pretty stinking awesome. Now, at 8 1/2 months post partum, I am down to 123 lbs. This is way lighter than I had ever expected to be. This is where I become a bit confused though. I find myself wondering if I shouldn't just take off another 10-15lbs. I have a teeny little frame, I am not meant to be heavy. I am not "big boned" at all! Should I consider myself done with weight loss at 123 or should I push just a little bit more?

When I look at my excess skin, there is, realistically, about 6-10 lbs worth of excess skin that I could have removed. You simply can't lose as much weight as I have (I have lost more than I weigh) and NOT have a good amount of extra skin swinging around. So, maybe I shouldn't lose anything and instead save up for a tummy tuck/lower body lift?

It is hard to think of getting OUT of the weigh loss mode. This must be how those anorexic girls on the after-school specials felt. They could look in a mirror and still see a bit more to come off. Not that I am anorexic.... I am not saying that. It is just that one can always see room for improvement and when does this cross into being a bit delusional? When does it cross into an unhealthy obsession?

I think I need to just get back in the gym and focusing on my work outs. That tends to help as I am not so focused on my weight or weight loss, but instead focused on fitness goals. Now that Fritzy is over 6 months old, he can finally go to the childcare at the YMCA!!!! YAY!!! I should utilize that on days that I don't have to work. This last week I have let my feet carry me more than 13 miles with running/walking and that has been sooooooo nice. Time to step it up a bit more. Time to lift some weights and get some muscles. Time to challenge myself. Time to get re-started with that marathon training business..... that all fell by the wayside while we tried to make this house livable and my arthritis was flaring up big time and life felt hard.

Fitness goals:

• Be able to ride bike to and from the YMCA for workouts (the Y is the next town down the highway), this would be 12.9 miles each way.
• Get back up to running for 60-90 minutes straight.... eventually get that marathon training
• Lift some weights! See some arm muscles
• Be able to swim 1/2 a mile
• Be able to feel fit enough to go for a run with someone else (I run alone because I am SLOW)

Open letter to the mothers who are far better than I am.

You know who you are. You see me as a parent and it brings pity into your heart for my small children.  You can't help but come up to me and let me know the errors of my ways. Last night, you let me know that you felt my baby was dressed inappropriately for the weather. I laughed a little and said that I was just trying to make my baby prepared for when the windchill takes this b*tch to -50 (ok, I didn't say the b-word, but I was struggling not to).

What I really wanted to say:

I am glad for your child that she has a perfect mother. That is simply not my kids' lot in life. They got me. I mess up..... daily. I swear too much, I am sarcastic, I sometimes get snippy with them for no good reason, I don't check the weather report before we leave the house for an hour and so I don't realize that it is going to get chilly, I often don't travel with snacks or an extra blanket, I will forget about my kids needing drinks but will remember to bring my own cup of coffee. At times, I can be extremely selfish. At this very moment, I have put apple juice and water into my baby's sippy cup in hopes of keeping him off the breast for 30 freakin minutes so I can write this post, throw in a load of laundry, and just *maybe* get to put on some make-up before I leave the house for work. I listen to my baby cry each day while I shower because he is terrified of the shower.... I know that I would be a better mom if I showered while everyone was still home so he wouldn't have to be scared, but that would require me waking up at 5am and I am just unwilling to do that. I don't make my kids eat nearly enough vegetables and sometimes they get to drink soda. They eat food colorings, gluten, dairy, sugar, hydrogenated oils, and high fructose corn syrup. My poor kids got this imperfect creature as their mother.

However, they know that I love them fiercely. Your hurt one of my babies and I will run you over with my car without even blinking. I try to be sure they all have clothing, housing, food in their bellies, and plenty of sleep. I try to have good conversations with each of them daily about what is happening in their lives and I don't even roll my eyes (at least not while facing them) when we are talking about Star Wars or Harry Potter..... AGAIN. I laugh at their jokes and delight in the people I can see them becoming. I praise my child who struggles with her emotions when I can see her trying REALLY hard to react appropriately to situations that come up. I point out the awesome and quirky things that I see and I never try to turn them into people they are not. I giggle when one is supposed to be playing football and is instead taking down his teammates with his invisible light saber. I love how that child still lives in his own little world.

So, you caught me. I didn't have a blanket for my baby and clearly I suck in many ways. I think I am just giving my kids some character though :) They will have stories about how imperfect their mom was that will make them laugh some day. Or, maybe I will just have to spend my retirement fund on therapy for the lot of them.