When my first born child was a baby, I thought decisions were hard. Breast or bottle? Jarred baby food or make our own? Spoon feed or finger foods? Crib or co-sleep? I am realizing now that she is much older that those decisions were the easy ones. I had a pretty good control over her world and her life. I was able to keep her safe and sheltered. I didn't do everything perfectly, but I did things out of love and in the way that I thought was the most beneficial to her. I was also smug (at times) because I was doing everything "right." We delayed all the allergenic foods, we cloth diapered in diapers that I and one of her grandmas made for her, I carried her in a wide assortment of baby carriers so her little butt would never need to sit in a STROLLER. I am beginning to realize that so much of that just really didn't matter for the long term. It isn't that it didn't matter, but more that our kids weren't going to end up in prison if we used disposable diapers instead of the cloth. All these early decisions were really just training for the bigger ones to come.
Now, my oldest child is a preteen or tween or whatever you want to call this age..... old enough for puberty but young enough to still act all sorts of insane and still, at times, very childlike. Holy cow! I am struggling with this so much more than I thought I would when I was feeding her an organic smoothie with berries that I grew myself and just the right balance of tofu and full fat yogurt for her brain development.
We needed to go shopping for a dress outfit for Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we always head to the candlelight service at my home church with my parents. I just don't want my kids to look like they just rolled in from a game of flag football. Nothing too fancy, but clean and like there was a touch of effort put into dressing for baby Jesus. I decided to take my oldest child with me to shop for these outfits. I figured that with her being in 5th grade, she is likely getting some more opinions about how she wants to dress. I was right. Shopping was painful.
We have reached this time where she can fit into the largest size in the girl's section or the smallest size in the women's section. Of course, her knowing this means she certainly doesn't want to shop in the girl's section! Off to the junior's department we go. From there, she picks out only things that are WAY too mature for her (at least in my eyes). Lots of lace, strapless, short skirts, etc. I, on the other hand, find things that are far too "babyish" with long sleeves, full skirt, and drop waist (maybe the fact that they came with a matching doll outfit could have tipped me off that the dress was a bit too young for her liking). The fact that we were essentially on different continents when it came to our ideas of what was appropriate for her to wear made for difficulties in communication. I was still trying to dress her like I did just last year and she was trying to dress like what she will be allowed in 5 years.
I became so frustrated with this entire process and then I had a moment of clarity where I remembered being her. I remembered this pair of jeans that I bought for myself when I was in 6th grade that were open on the sides all the way from ankle to hip. My mom had a fit and I was only allowed to wear these jeans if I wore leggings under them. That pretty much ruined the look, but now I get it. There is a fine balance to be found in all of this. I want my child to be able to express her individuality and the fact that she is maturing, but I don't want her to be oversexualized at this young age (or ever). It is hard to raise girls when there is more pressure for them to be pretty and sexy then there is for them to be interesting and cool. The choices in clothing were really just symbolic of everything we will have to work through together as we navigate the rough waters ahead. Well, to me they were symbolic, to her they were really cool clothes that her really mean mom wouldn't let her wear.
Each day as a parent gets a bit more challenging because I have less control and yet, her decisions mean more. There is a greater impact from the sorts of choices she makes today then there was when she was 2. I can remember kids who started making some really poor life decisions in middle school. Some of these people bounced back up and some did not. I have watched, with great interest, one of my close friends raise one of her kids up to college age now after having gotten to know them when this child was the same age that Amelia is. I can see that the decisions as a parent don't get any easier because the stakes keep getting higher, but the rewards appear to get a bit bigger as you get to see these kids become really awesome people. I am just hopeful that I can help guide these kids of mine the right way. For now, we found an outfit that was a compromise between our two worlds as it is cool and grown-up without being the least bit sexy. I am happy and she is.... well, she is too moody to be happy, but I am getting used to that.
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