Today marks the end of our baby-making and having era. Joe got the vasectomy he has been dreaming of for years :) He is quite content. I am quite brokenhearted. I only share this because it is real and honest and the sorts of decisions that many relationships face.
I was asked recently why it was that I was ok with a vasectomy before Fritz came along and suddenly was not. To be honest, Fritz came about after a few years of unexplained fertility issues. We tried for years to have another baby and nothing happened. We finally decided on a vasectomy because I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't spend each month wondering if it would be the month that I would get pregnant. I could look ahead in the future and think, "hey maybe I should register for that conference..... or maybe I will be pregnant!" I couldn't live in limbo anymore. It was time to just move on from the ghosts of all the babies I would never have. And then Fritz came along.
I had another baby, guys, and this has opened me back up to wanting more. Originally I wanted like a bajillion kids. I got pregnant and my heart melted and anything seemed possible again. Maybe I could have that bajillion kids afterall or 5-10 of them. For Joe, Fritz coming along had the opposite effect. It made him feel content and finished. He knew for certain he was DONE DONE DONE having kids. 4 is it.
We discussed the crap out of it. Basically, Joe wanted me to agree with him that I felt done too and I wanted to find a way to talk him into at least 1 more. No dice either way. How can I say that I don't want to have that baby, the next one in line, the one that I am sure is meant to be in my arms? Yet, how can I demand my husband help me make a baby he has no interest in having or raising? This is a situation that has no winners.
Joe and I met nearly 14 years ago. We get along really well. I respect him and I can respect the choices he has made about his reproductive health. They may not be the same choices I would make, but I can't blame him for being honest about being DONE. Even if we would have delayed the vasectomy until I felt more ready, it really would have just been me hoping to put off the vasectomy for long enough in hopes that I would get pregnant again during the wait time. That wouldn't be fair. Again, there are no winners here. Well, I would say that Joe won, but he is currently wearing a bag of frozen peas in his pants. We have spent most of the afternoon doing what we do best about stressful or hard situations, which is joke about it A LOT. Joe was saying some crazy stuff while half-naked on a table..... and on drugs. He makes me smile.
I am sure, in time, I will get to a place of content, but for tonight I will sit with a glass of wine and feel a little sorry for myself and a pretty big sense of loss knowing that our childbearing has come to an end.
